Watched a video of a guy that is considered a motivational speaker. Larry Winget, I would recommend anyone give him a listen. He makes some good points, has fun the whole time he is on and keeps it all on personal responsibility.
Pretty much his point of view is to take responsibility for yourself, quit whining and don't blame others for your stupid mistakes. I can agree with that. He also said something that I have forgotten so many times. He talked about fixing yourself and others will be better.
Years ago I was in an AA meeting, one of many that I was going to. 90 in 90. There was one gentlemen there that night that said pretty much the same thing, but he said it with first hand knowledge. He had conviction in his voice and had no doubt that it was important to him. He said that once he fixed himself his wife got better. It was an awesome moment in an otherwise dreary day, I will try to never forget that little old man and his wisdom again. It did set me right back in 91, it really made me reconsider so many things that were going on in my head.
Even the serenity prayer has that in it. Knowing what you can and can not control. The only thing that I can control is myself. Yeah I did blame others for my ways. I was big on talking to myself with out knowing it. I blamed my wife for our problems quite a bit, always thinking she just did not understand what was going on. In a way I imagine that she did not understand, mostly because I never talked with her. But it was ultimately me that did not understand. I did not realize how I was pushing her away along with many others. I was making my self alone, and then I would be upset because I was alone. What an ugly circle I got myself into.
Oh I understand now that I have a predisposition to push people away if I let my fears run my life. I still catch myself talking to myself, feeling sorry for poor old me but I don't have to fall inline with that voice anymore. I am confident that me knowing now that I do have this disorder and I can combat it is the single most important piece of information in my recovery. "I can"!
I can now recognize when I am letting my thoughts carry me away. It may not always be apparent as soon as it begins but I will see it and I can make a choice to choose what to do. It may have taken some time to rationalize this but when it finally sunk it it was like a sonic boom went off in me.
I can openly discuss what I am feeling. This is really a big one for me. I have never shared openly with anyone my fears and weaknesses. I was a man's man, people relied on me, I could not show weakness...... pretty solid stuff there. I am more of a man's man now because I have changed. No I don't sit around and cry about all my troubles....well not anymore....., I now face them and deal with them. Yeah its tough, but isn't that what tough guys do? They don't ignore or deny the existence of a problem. They accept it and find a solution and if he does not have the answer he looks for help to find an answer. Oh man I did whine and complain at the beginning. I was paranoid about so many things. Everyone saw me as confident and dependable. I was a double agent against my own persona. I thought to myself that everyone was gonna leave me. I still battle with trusting people, I still fear being abandoned, but I am getting better each time as I deal with it, talk about it. I know that talking here where no one knows me could be considered a cop out. That's cool, I am still talking and learning about me. I just want to fix me right now.
I can accept that all this crap is my fault and that I have to mend the wounds myself. Once again this does not come on easily, LOL I fought hard to blame others, even convinced myself it was everyone else " I am okay the rest of you are assholes?". I don't know if there is any one thing that finally makes everything clear and snaps the puzzle pieces in place. I am not all the way there but I do feel confident (truly) that I am on the right trail. I am actually happier then I have been in over a decade, my heart is broken that is for sure but that I lay at my feet. One wound at a time I guess, I have a bandage on it, waiting for it to heal while I fix other things.
I can feel the sun on my face. That may seem a silly thing to put in here, but oh man that is a mountain for me. I remember a few years ago, back in Kentucky I was driving on a back-road heading to check on a job site. It was a gorgeous day, it was Fall, the air was cool and the sky was bright blue. A couple clouds dotted the sky and it was beautiful. I was out in farmlands, this was a Hallmark greeting card but it all was lost on me. It hit me hard, I stopped and got out of the truck. Still it meant nothing, I felt nothing, I started to realize how miserable I was, and that made it even worse. Such a grand day and I could not appreciate it. This is me, the one who camps, runs through the woods, showed my children the wonders of nature. traveled many trails with my wife but I could not find a shred of happiness in that moment. Yeah I cried, no one was around, I was feeling sorry for myself. No one would know again. Not today! Even in the war torn world here in AFG I hear the birds, I feel the breeze and I even taste the dust that is everywhere and I appreciate it all. Granted I look forward to the day I return home, but right now I am alive and right in the world.
I know that I am not really very organized in the blogging thing here, more like buck shot through all this. I will get better and put another direction to all this. I am conducting a data dump of my thoughts here and making room for new stuff. I dream that my struggles will help me and hopefully help someone else. I can only hope. Until the next time!
Did I just hear a cricket?
Pirate03
Pretty much his point of view is to take responsibility for yourself, quit whining and don't blame others for your stupid mistakes. I can agree with that. He also said something that I have forgotten so many times. He talked about fixing yourself and others will be better.
Years ago I was in an AA meeting, one of many that I was going to. 90 in 90. There was one gentlemen there that night that said pretty much the same thing, but he said it with first hand knowledge. He had conviction in his voice and had no doubt that it was important to him. He said that once he fixed himself his wife got better. It was an awesome moment in an otherwise dreary day, I will try to never forget that little old man and his wisdom again. It did set me right back in 91, it really made me reconsider so many things that were going on in my head.
Even the serenity prayer has that in it. Knowing what you can and can not control. The only thing that I can control is myself. Yeah I did blame others for my ways. I was big on talking to myself with out knowing it. I blamed my wife for our problems quite a bit, always thinking she just did not understand what was going on. In a way I imagine that she did not understand, mostly because I never talked with her. But it was ultimately me that did not understand. I did not realize how I was pushing her away along with many others. I was making my self alone, and then I would be upset because I was alone. What an ugly circle I got myself into.
Oh I understand now that I have a predisposition to push people away if I let my fears run my life. I still catch myself talking to myself, feeling sorry for poor old me but I don't have to fall inline with that voice anymore. I am confident that me knowing now that I do have this disorder and I can combat it is the single most important piece of information in my recovery. "I can"!
I can now recognize when I am letting my thoughts carry me away. It may not always be apparent as soon as it begins but I will see it and I can make a choice to choose what to do. It may have taken some time to rationalize this but when it finally sunk it it was like a sonic boom went off in me.
I can openly discuss what I am feeling. This is really a big one for me. I have never shared openly with anyone my fears and weaknesses. I was a man's man, people relied on me, I could not show weakness...... pretty solid stuff there. I am more of a man's man now because I have changed. No I don't sit around and cry about all my troubles....well not anymore....., I now face them and deal with them. Yeah its tough, but isn't that what tough guys do? They don't ignore or deny the existence of a problem. They accept it and find a solution and if he does not have the answer he looks for help to find an answer. Oh man I did whine and complain at the beginning. I was paranoid about so many things. Everyone saw me as confident and dependable. I was a double agent against my own persona. I thought to myself that everyone was gonna leave me. I still battle with trusting people, I still fear being abandoned, but I am getting better each time as I deal with it, talk about it. I know that talking here where no one knows me could be considered a cop out. That's cool, I am still talking and learning about me. I just want to fix me right now.
I can accept that all this crap is my fault and that I have to mend the wounds myself. Once again this does not come on easily, LOL I fought hard to blame others, even convinced myself it was everyone else " I am okay the rest of you are assholes?". I don't know if there is any one thing that finally makes everything clear and snaps the puzzle pieces in place. I am not all the way there but I do feel confident (truly) that I am on the right trail. I am actually happier then I have been in over a decade, my heart is broken that is for sure but that I lay at my feet. One wound at a time I guess, I have a bandage on it, waiting for it to heal while I fix other things.
I can feel the sun on my face. That may seem a silly thing to put in here, but oh man that is a mountain for me. I remember a few years ago, back in Kentucky I was driving on a back-road heading to check on a job site. It was a gorgeous day, it was Fall, the air was cool and the sky was bright blue. A couple clouds dotted the sky and it was beautiful. I was out in farmlands, this was a Hallmark greeting card but it all was lost on me. It hit me hard, I stopped and got out of the truck. Still it meant nothing, I felt nothing, I started to realize how miserable I was, and that made it even worse. Such a grand day and I could not appreciate it. This is me, the one who camps, runs through the woods, showed my children the wonders of nature. traveled many trails with my wife but I could not find a shred of happiness in that moment. Yeah I cried, no one was around, I was feeling sorry for myself. No one would know again. Not today! Even in the war torn world here in AFG I hear the birds, I feel the breeze and I even taste the dust that is everywhere and I appreciate it all. Granted I look forward to the day I return home, but right now I am alive and right in the world.
I know that I am not really very organized in the blogging thing here, more like buck shot through all this. I will get better and put another direction to all this. I am conducting a data dump of my thoughts here and making room for new stuff. I dream that my struggles will help me and hopefully help someone else. I can only hope. Until the next time!
Did I just hear a cricket?
Pirate03
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