Did not sleep at all last night, so many things going on in my head I could not rest. I kept replaying events in my head hoping for a different outcome. It is the if's....
If I had just paid attention to her feelings.
If I had stopped and thought about why I was doing something.
If I just turned around and seen the world around me heading in a different direction.
If I was not always so scared that no one would love me.
If I was not afraid to say what I felt about anything.
If I just thought about how what I was doing would make others feel.
How is it that we end up eventually only focusing on the negative aspects of our life when things get tough. Are we like the news broadcasts on TV and need the sensationalism of the drama? There are so many more positive things, events, happenings and feelings in the past then we realize. It all out weighs the negative but still we can only remember the ugliness.
I am learning many things about myself as well as those around me from the negative things we all have done to each other. I am using that to learn how to not repeat those events and using it to hold on to all the positive that there has been. My mind and my heart are filled with all the memories and feelings that were happy, I am so full of the positive that whenever the negative forces its way in I cry a little for everyone. That is another thing that I am learning, to control the out rush of emotions. I have been holding everything in for so long that I lack some control over the new feelings and I tend to over do it.
If I could just let go.... that's what people keep telling me. It just does not feel right to do that, it resembles giving up way to much. I have always been one to believe that the best things in life are worth fighting for. I do it for my family and I do it for my country, so I can not fathom a reason to give up now. I just don't know sometimes what I should do, it is mind numbingly frustrating. I only have control of me and that is what I have to deal with. I have no control over others, though I really wish I had a little. It is the others I truly worry about, because I do not have control. I know where I am in my head and where I am now in life, I think I know where I want to be. So I have a sense of control with that. Yeah sure I have some bad days but they are manageable, I am way passed hurting myself anymore. No going back there!
I guess the biggest if is "If I could just get them to see what possibilities there are when we walk together". That is a mighty big if....
Survived another Day!
Be safe and Happy,
Pirate03
If I had just paid attention to her feelings.
If I had stopped and thought about why I was doing something.
If I just turned around and seen the world around me heading in a different direction.
If I was not always so scared that no one would love me.
If I was not afraid to say what I felt about anything.
If I just thought about how what I was doing would make others feel.
How is it that we end up eventually only focusing on the negative aspects of our life when things get tough. Are we like the news broadcasts on TV and need the sensationalism of the drama? There are so many more positive things, events, happenings and feelings in the past then we realize. It all out weighs the negative but still we can only remember the ugliness.
I am learning many things about myself as well as those around me from the negative things we all have done to each other. I am using that to learn how to not repeat those events and using it to hold on to all the positive that there has been. My mind and my heart are filled with all the memories and feelings that were happy, I am so full of the positive that whenever the negative forces its way in I cry a little for everyone. That is another thing that I am learning, to control the out rush of emotions. I have been holding everything in for so long that I lack some control over the new feelings and I tend to over do it.
If I could just let go.... that's what people keep telling me. It just does not feel right to do that, it resembles giving up way to much. I have always been one to believe that the best things in life are worth fighting for. I do it for my family and I do it for my country, so I can not fathom a reason to give up now. I just don't know sometimes what I should do, it is mind numbingly frustrating. I only have control of me and that is what I have to deal with. I have no control over others, though I really wish I had a little. It is the others I truly worry about, because I do not have control. I know where I am in my head and where I am now in life, I think I know where I want to be. So I have a sense of control with that. Yeah sure I have some bad days but they are manageable, I am way passed hurting myself anymore. No going back there!
I guess the biggest if is "If I could just get them to see what possibilities there are when we walk together". That is a mighty big if....
Survived another Day!
Be safe and Happy,
Pirate03
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