It is 2 am and I am awake again, sitting in the dark talking to my new best friend. My sleep has been disturbed again by my thoughts. This one may be an "awakening". I have had a lot of new things going on in me and around me over this past year. None of it has turned out in the manner that I had wanted. Well maybe saying none is not truly correct, but the major things have not come out the way that I would have liked.
I really thought I had time, time to make things right. That got washed away and I went into panic mode and tried to get what I thought was needed done fast so I could get my life back. But that in itself is my addiction talking, wanting the end result now! I was letting my recovery be driven by my addictive self.
During that panic though I did find some answers, not many that I liked as it would be. I came to understand that what I thought I needed to do was not entirely accurate. I now see that I will not get my old life back, and in that it is best that I don't go back to that. I realized in that panic time that this is not going to happen the way I want it or in the time that I want it. I will be doing this alone, I do not have the luxury of the other any longer. This whole recovery, self evaluation process is a dual edged blade. One side, the new side is the change with in that is going on. The other side, the old side is the side that cuts deep. The old side lets me see into myself and see the person I have become, it is the side that awakens me in the middle of the night with the understanding that what I once had is now gone and it is time to move on.The old side is scared with these times of realization. each time is a better understanding of the workings of the inside. It is a painful set of lessons to be learned there is no doubt in that. I can think of easier things to do but nothing that is as important as this.
Now it is by no means all doom and gloom. There are demons that I am fighting, there are moments of reflection that do make this old man cry and I still have the broken heart. But I do whistle as I take on each day, I feel the suns warmth on me and I do hear the birds singing to one another. The days get better and I get stronger, even with all these feelings. I have pushed old fears down and I am managing them. I have daily battles and I am sure that I am not alone in that, but I am winning the war. I need allies most of all, I have a few, though they are fighting their own wars within themselves. Time is the key to this it would seem right now, It may very well change as I learn more, if you ever do read this, know that I miss you and love you more. I do hope that happiness finds you one way or another.
Wow, that is who I have been talking to this evening with out even realizing it. New things all the time. I am gonna try for a couple more hours asleep, need my wits about me tomorrow.
Be safe and be happy,
Pirate03
I really thought I had time, time to make things right. That got washed away and I went into panic mode and tried to get what I thought was needed done fast so I could get my life back. But that in itself is my addiction talking, wanting the end result now! I was letting my recovery be driven by my addictive self.
During that panic though I did find some answers, not many that I liked as it would be. I came to understand that what I thought I needed to do was not entirely accurate. I now see that I will not get my old life back, and in that it is best that I don't go back to that. I realized in that panic time that this is not going to happen the way I want it or in the time that I want it. I will be doing this alone, I do not have the luxury of the other any longer. This whole recovery, self evaluation process is a dual edged blade. One side, the new side is the change with in that is going on. The other side, the old side is the side that cuts deep. The old side lets me see into myself and see the person I have become, it is the side that awakens me in the middle of the night with the understanding that what I once had is now gone and it is time to move on.The old side is scared with these times of realization. each time is a better understanding of the workings of the inside. It is a painful set of lessons to be learned there is no doubt in that. I can think of easier things to do but nothing that is as important as this.
Now it is by no means all doom and gloom. There are demons that I am fighting, there are moments of reflection that do make this old man cry and I still have the broken heart. But I do whistle as I take on each day, I feel the suns warmth on me and I do hear the birds singing to one another. The days get better and I get stronger, even with all these feelings. I have pushed old fears down and I am managing them. I have daily battles and I am sure that I am not alone in that, but I am winning the war. I need allies most of all, I have a few, though they are fighting their own wars within themselves. Time is the key to this it would seem right now, It may very well change as I learn more, if you ever do read this, know that I miss you and love you more. I do hope that happiness finds you one way or another.
Wow, that is who I have been talking to this evening with out even realizing it. New things all the time. I am gonna try for a couple more hours asleep, need my wits about me tomorrow.
Be safe and be happy,
Pirate03
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