Throughout my life in one way or another I have spent a lot of energy in being in control, of controlling the situation. No that does sound very backwards coming from an addict with low self esteem, abandonment issues and a fear of confrontation. It on the surface is what most people over the years would see as my polar opposite.
Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!
Be safe and happy,
Pirate03
Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!
Be safe and happy,
Pirate03
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