Long awaited start!

I have labeled myself, I once was put off by labels. To me the label limited you and forced you to exist with in the parameters of that label. I started on a new path that has me okay with the label.

I am an addict.

I have unknowingly lived with it for decades and "I" never really understood that I was ill. I have come to see many things in a new light and I honestly feel comfortable with sharing all this now. I had started writing a personal journal to help clear my mind. It has grown tobe a very big part of my recovery and sanity.

This being the beginning of my rants, I wanted to share one of the first things that I ever shared with anyone other then myself. It was basically a letter opening up the floor to my family and friends, I very much wanted to be part of their lives. I guess it was over the top but I have felt fairly vulnerable for awhile and I did get a little odd. LOL I will get into some of my history as I move through this, another thing very new in my life.

I have talked about addictive thinking in the past, my stinking thinking as it were.

There is a reason for me bringing up addictive thinking so often. The reason is that I still see that old addictive thinking trying to creep its way back in from time to time.

So if addictive thinking never goes away… what’s the point of all this? Well, even though it hasn’t entirely disappeared from my brain, I am getting pretty good at identifying addictive thinking.

Over the years I have developed some pretty bad behaviors that went unchecked for a long time due to my constant switching of my addictions. There were things like never completing anything, missing work for no reason other than I didn't want to go, and the biggest of them all… rationalizing all of my bad behavior so that it didn't seem so bad. Justifying to my inner self that what I was doing, saying and thinking was correct.

I would like to tell you that because of all my hard work and the things that I have learned about myself that I have alleviated all of my bad behaviors and am living the perfect life. But… that’s not realistic.

What I have become much better at is identifying my bad behaviors before they manifest themselves. This is what I refer to as addictive thinking. Those are the thoughts in my head that when they are really examined seem to be what used to feed my addictions. They were the controlling aspect of my mind that prevented rational and caring thought. It is the chemical reaction within the grey matter that leads to the misguided interpretation of pleasure or to some extent the momentary lack of pain. 

Even more than just being able to identify addictive thinking, I actually get a laugh out of some of the stuff that goes on in my head. I find that my addictive thinking can be really devious. I find myself whispering aloud “Ha, you almost got me” a lot and kind of snickering at myself.  Like a wiggling little lure, my addictions dangled fantasy in front of my brain and captured its attention with falsehoods that were accepted in place of reality.

So what gets me through this? I still strive to do the best that I can each and every day. This cuts down on the feeling of things lingering over my head. It also cuts down on dreading the unknown of the future. Lacking the knowledge of future outcomes has always been troubling for me. This has caused me to be unable to openly trust the people in my life that mean the most, it has trapped me in an ever present fear of being abandoned. Well now it seems that due to my actions from letting inner fears control my rational brain, I have become the abandoner. It is a sad twist of fate that has had a high price to pay.

I look clearly in recent days into my future. I see that there are many unknowns that lay before me and I find that I do not fear to walk forward as I have in my past. I still look back to reflect upon the path that brought me to this place that I am now and to prepare a list of supplies that will be needed to repair and rebuild the bridges that lay behind me in near ruin.   

I look to fill my future with a lack of fear. I wish to look back one day with limited regrets. I dream to find all the parts that have been misplaced and forgotten, to place the pieces neatly in order and discover what once a happy life was. I have no certainty that I will be able to construct the future that I have come to envision, though I am certain that I will embrace the unknown honestly, however it develops around me.

So now the inevitable comes to bear in this a so dramatic telling of desires. I put this forth with the hope for patience and perspicuity in the future. I have come to accept that there may be avenues that may never be traveled again by me, though I truly desire to find the well-worn routes and walk them again with those who have once before journeyed with me. I do not ask openly for forgiveness though it is evident that this is my quest.

I do not expect any fanfare or trumpets to call out my arrival; I only wish the chance to seek out that which has been lost. I offer out my open hand and a sincere greeting from me to you. May our journey but start with a kind word, I believe that we can reach all destinations. Thanking you now for your open mind and caring heart.