There is one big battle going on within me that I am struggling to find a good answer.
I have gained a level of confidence in so many aspects of my addictions, my life and my physical and mental health that I feel empowered to have a controlled and somewhat normal life. Like I have said before, just knowing what the problem is has made a colossal impact on my recovery and gaining a sense of security back into my life.
I am now dealing with a more personal issue that I am afraid that I am struggling to accept. Unfortunately I have so little control of this aspect that I have become a spectator to some extent. I have been told that I can not communicate with her (you now see once again one of my biggest hurdles) and that I need to just let go of her and the life we had and any life we could have. That is a problem for me. My rational mind can understand the concept of all that, though my emotional mind can not accept a life without her in it. So how does this effect my recovery, in a sense it does not have a great impact one way or another. I do know that if it was the two of us working together to solve the problems we both have we would be successful. We have been there before and we succeeded together. Can I move forward in a physical sense without her? I am sure that in that frame work yes I could. LOL, so now the more important concern is how my emotional/mental side will do with this absence. So far it has left a giant hole in me, it has served to have me realize the feelings that she must have had to endure. This as painful as it has been for me, became a motivation to make things right. I can't take it back at this point but I can control whether it is ever repeated, its these things that make us grow. Change tests us and forces us to mature and grow, through wisdom and emotion. With that I have seen what type of a person I have been hiding away. I have always been a caring and tender person, but I let myself get lost and forgot to take care of the feelings of the one I have always loved. That's what is at the bottom of the hole in me. My remorse, regret and shame. I have since confronted them and know their sting, I have become their master.
I have only convinced myself that a life with me will be one of joy, love and caring. There in is another problem, I can not demonstrate that effectively. I have cried wolf to many times and there is little belief that I will fulfill what I say. UGH My frustration, I can and do see my inner self and know what I am capable of and how I can be from this point forward, but I have no known way to reveal the true nature of it all to anyone other then me. It is just a metaphor but if I could only remove my heart and give it completely to my love where she could sense it, feel it, touch it and know it, it would be clear the incredible life we could have.
So today I am here, on a swift road traveling alone. I am not bitter, I have no right to be, the bitter taste I have some moments are from my own design. The past lingers there to remind me to be vigilant constantly, to look for those little things that make life sweet and to recognize the distractions for what they really are. I know who I am, I know what I am, I know what I am capable of, I know what my limitations are and I know my capacity for loving someone. Now if I could some way relay that information in a way that it was as clear and sincere as I am, then I would be a step closer to my own enlightenment.
That's from me today, it may not be of any use to anyone, but it is a significant portion of my thoughts. I apologize now for boring all or any of you with my whining, but I believe it has been said before, "You can't control who the heart loves.". Once again I love all of you, I hope somewhere and sometime you find the answers you are looking for.
Be safe and happy,
Pirate03
I have gained a level of confidence in so many aspects of my addictions, my life and my physical and mental health that I feel empowered to have a controlled and somewhat normal life. Like I have said before, just knowing what the problem is has made a colossal impact on my recovery and gaining a sense of security back into my life.
I am now dealing with a more personal issue that I am afraid that I am struggling to accept. Unfortunately I have so little control of this aspect that I have become a spectator to some extent. I have been told that I can not communicate with her (you now see once again one of my biggest hurdles) and that I need to just let go of her and the life we had and any life we could have. That is a problem for me. My rational mind can understand the concept of all that, though my emotional mind can not accept a life without her in it. So how does this effect my recovery, in a sense it does not have a great impact one way or another. I do know that if it was the two of us working together to solve the problems we both have we would be successful. We have been there before and we succeeded together. Can I move forward in a physical sense without her? I am sure that in that frame work yes I could. LOL, so now the more important concern is how my emotional/mental side will do with this absence. So far it has left a giant hole in me, it has served to have me realize the feelings that she must have had to endure. This as painful as it has been for me, became a motivation to make things right. I can't take it back at this point but I can control whether it is ever repeated, its these things that make us grow. Change tests us and forces us to mature and grow, through wisdom and emotion. With that I have seen what type of a person I have been hiding away. I have always been a caring and tender person, but I let myself get lost and forgot to take care of the feelings of the one I have always loved. That's what is at the bottom of the hole in me. My remorse, regret and shame. I have since confronted them and know their sting, I have become their master.
I have only convinced myself that a life with me will be one of joy, love and caring. There in is another problem, I can not demonstrate that effectively. I have cried wolf to many times and there is little belief that I will fulfill what I say. UGH My frustration, I can and do see my inner self and know what I am capable of and how I can be from this point forward, but I have no known way to reveal the true nature of it all to anyone other then me. It is just a metaphor but if I could only remove my heart and give it completely to my love where she could sense it, feel it, touch it and know it, it would be clear the incredible life we could have.
So today I am here, on a swift road traveling alone. I am not bitter, I have no right to be, the bitter taste I have some moments are from my own design. The past lingers there to remind me to be vigilant constantly, to look for those little things that make life sweet and to recognize the distractions for what they really are. I know who I am, I know what I am, I know what I am capable of, I know what my limitations are and I know my capacity for loving someone. Now if I could some way relay that information in a way that it was as clear and sincere as I am, then I would be a step closer to my own enlightenment.
That's from me today, it may not be of any use to anyone, but it is a significant portion of my thoughts. I apologize now for boring all or any of you with my whining, but I believe it has been said before, "You can't control who the heart loves.". Once again I love all of you, I hope somewhere and sometime you find the answers you are looking for.
Be safe and happy,
Pirate03
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