Here I am now at 4 am and I am sitting in my rack dealing with my brain.
Ever have a bad hair day? One of those days when a ball cap is the only thing that can fix it. Well today has been one of those days for me except it was a bad brain day. No damn ball cap for that!
I wonder why I struggle so much to be able to make a relationship work. I know inside I should not be involved in anything so emotionally driven. My insecurities are still active enough to cause me to doubt my choices and question every action of people around me. It is so frustrating, I am reading emotions into situations that are not there. Still worried about being pushed aside it would seem. I think that it would be best for me to refrain from starting anything new until I have a grasp of these emotions.
Even with my children I am having trouble understanding what they are feeling. Should I even be concerned with that? They are my biggest motivation to live in the real world. I do look for their acceptance probably more then I should and with that I place to much of an emotional burden on them. One of the reasons I started writing here, I was dumping my thoughts out on them and that was selfish of me. Oh I know they care and they will try to help, but they don't need all this on their minds while they live their lives. By no means am I thinking of leaving them out, I just want them to be happy and not fret over what I am doing.
Letting go is a very complicated and trying event. Some days I feel confident that I can move forward with out things from my past. I can see a future for me, with new people and places. Though I long for some of the past. I would not like to go back to the way things were, that would be foolish. I would love to take things from the past and mix them in with the here and now, potentially making them better then they were before. Dreams are good I guess, though it has been a very long time since any of mine have come true.
A bad brain day! How to fix it. I am glad that these days are moving further apart, these days are very taxing. Today I have no additional insight into why I am feeling like this. Maybe just being lonely feeds them, who knows. What I do know is that I will shake this day off and start the next one here in a couple hours. I can see where the AA motto of "One day at a time" is so important for someone like me. Add in the Seal's motto of "The only easy day is yesterday!" and I have a combination to help me see the day through.
Be safe and be happy,
Pirate03
Ever have a bad hair day? One of those days when a ball cap is the only thing that can fix it. Well today has been one of those days for me except it was a bad brain day. No damn ball cap for that!
I wonder why I struggle so much to be able to make a relationship work. I know inside I should not be involved in anything so emotionally driven. My insecurities are still active enough to cause me to doubt my choices and question every action of people around me. It is so frustrating, I am reading emotions into situations that are not there. Still worried about being pushed aside it would seem. I think that it would be best for me to refrain from starting anything new until I have a grasp of these emotions.
Even with my children I am having trouble understanding what they are feeling. Should I even be concerned with that? They are my biggest motivation to live in the real world. I do look for their acceptance probably more then I should and with that I place to much of an emotional burden on them. One of the reasons I started writing here, I was dumping my thoughts out on them and that was selfish of me. Oh I know they care and they will try to help, but they don't need all this on their minds while they live their lives. By no means am I thinking of leaving them out, I just want them to be happy and not fret over what I am doing.
Letting go is a very complicated and trying event. Some days I feel confident that I can move forward with out things from my past. I can see a future for me, with new people and places. Though I long for some of the past. I would not like to go back to the way things were, that would be foolish. I would love to take things from the past and mix them in with the here and now, potentially making them better then they were before. Dreams are good I guess, though it has been a very long time since any of mine have come true.
A bad brain day! How to fix it. I am glad that these days are moving further apart, these days are very taxing. Today I have no additional insight into why I am feeling like this. Maybe just being lonely feeds them, who knows. What I do know is that I will shake this day off and start the next one here in a couple hours. I can see where the AA motto of "One day at a time" is so important for someone like me. Add in the Seal's motto of "The only easy day is yesterday!" and I have a combination to help me see the day through.
Be safe and be happy,
Pirate03
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