The Ninth of Forever!

      Hello All! I have been neglecting my writing, I do remember reading the blog of another addict and one of the things she talked about is that at sometime as she was having less and less drama in her life the less she was writing. I started wondering if that was the case for me.
      As it turns out, it pretty much is. I have found that as I accept things for what they are and realize what things I do and do not have control over, that my life becomes just a bit more manageable. It really is a comforting feeling to wash over you. Now don't get me wrong, there are still issues, but I know when and how to deal with them now. That in itself is an Armstrong on the moon kind of leap for me.
      Like today. In a perfect world today should have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary to the one woman that I have always loved. But because of my lovely past I am spending this day alone, quietly reminded that my actions or lack thereof had a big price to pay. I know it sucks, it really does, it will haunt me I am sure for my remaining days, (I would make a lousy criminal, my conscience would be my  undoing), but I have come to accept this as my road forward. With luck one day when I least expect it I may meet someone that I can share a life with. For now I have myself and a wounded ego to look after and that in itself could be enough right now. But for now I will quietly reminisce of how things were and how they could have been if all things were perfect! Love you all, loving me again and hoping and planning for a better future!

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03 

I did a thing.....

Ok, I know I have been away for to long. I had some internal struggles I was letting bring me down. Which in retrospect should have had me here more often!!! LOL

I have climbed out of that hole I made for myself and I am feeling good the past few days. Today though I feel fantastic, yes it is a beautiful day outside but I feel awesome inside as well. My mind and body are getting into sync it would seem. Of course I still have issues...lol... I will always have issues, but right now, right here I have them under control!!!!

Trying to let go of some of my past, it has benefits, once you find the how to getting it done. That is the trick to it. I do have doubts in my head and still want to hold on to some things, but in the big scheme of it all I know I must let go to move on. Sounds silly when you first think of it, but it will become clearer as it begins to happen.

Today though.... today is starting out in epicness. I only say that because I did something today that I have not done since I was a boy. I ran. I ran cuz it looked fun. I ran cuz it looked fun and it was! Silly isn't it! I had a laugh at myself because it felt incredible. Remember I spoke of that sad day in Kentucky. That day is gone, I have been feeling the sun, hearing the birds and smelling the fresh air. It is all coming back, piece by piece and I am falling in love with life! LOL. Silly boy.

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03

A Bad Dream.....I wish!

Today I had to finally make a decision I never wanted to make. I let go of my soul mate!

       How is it that we end up hurting the people that we actually care about the most? It makes no sense, but there it is. The most important person in my life I ended up taking for granted. I let her feel so alone and unloved, even though I loved her with ever cell of my soul.
       Where was my focus, why did I let myself be so uncaring. I really have no answer, I can not for the life of me even tell myself why did I act as I did. It is a hard reality to swallow, but in the end it is what I made for myself with out even trying or realizing.
        But that is the rub isn't it. Without trying! That is what ended it, somewhere, sometime ago I stopped trying. I sit here and cry, knowing that I let it all slip away, knowing I could have been so much more, I wanted to be so much more. All I have it seems is excuses for my actions, but I don't have anything else that I know to do right now. I am fragmented and lost in my regrets.
        I hate this, I know I have to face it, but I hate it. I don't really want to be this person, I don't want to be me. I am so tired, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of disappointing my family, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the shame, I am tired of crying all the fucking time, I am tired of being mad, I am tired of  jealous, I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of recovery, I am tired of not understanding, I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of being an addict, I am tired of people thinking I am faking it, I am tired, just fucking tired.
        I had my dream and I lost it! I want to scream! I am on such a feel sorry for myself trip and I know it and I am still here doing it! Crap! I am in such a screwed up place right now I am alienating everyone around me. Shit I don't even want to know me.


Pirate03

Reality sucks....sometimes!

Reality does suck today for me! I have tried to be patient and hold on as long as I can to what was once my life. I think that in doing so I am churning the waters and it is causing too much stress for others. Today is the day I say good bye, it hurts so much, I am flooded with my own emotions but I know this is what I have to do. I am sure I will cry a few more times before I find my way and put this last hurdle to rest. I really could use an owners manual, of all things why did I have to be so clumsy in dealing with the people I love the most. I really do want to say and do the correct thing, but somehow I manage to fall short.

Good luck out there, be safe and happy!


Pirate03

Needs...hidden as they can be!

        Quick note on something that happened today. Don't know if it has any bearing on anyone else's world but made me think.
        I have been pretty bent out of shape the past few days, had some news that just sat in my head wrong and it was festering. I was really letting it get to me. Well I was on the other end of the FOB clearing out some abandoned tents. They have been empty of personnel for months. While there I found a book. The title is "Anger- Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way"! Really that is what I found. I took it back to my room and started reading it. It is by a guy named Gary Chapman. So far it is a good read, very insightful. It is basically a Christian handbook on how to deal with anger. We all should have hand books for our emotions. Especially those like me that are handicapped in that area. I am so sure of so many things but turn to how I am feeling and I am clueless....lol. Anyway the book really was there for me, it is what I needed, sounds a bit over the top but there you go. When I needed something to help me think straight there it was. It could be that I am just much more open to outside guidance then I have in the past, but we will really never know. Any way I do feel good, and I learned something new again today, it is a good day. Love you all!

Be safe and happy,


Pirate03

Need to be in control....

Throughout my life in one way or another I have spent a lot of energy in being in control, of controlling the situation. No that does sound very backwards coming from an addict with low self esteem, abandonment issues and a fear of confrontation. It on the surface is what most people over the years would see as my polar opposite.
      Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
        How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
          What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
          I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
          What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Dreaming

Its almost 4 am, I just got woke up by a dream. It was not a nightmare but it was very confusing initially. I was at my Mother's house, the old house from when my Dad was alive. I was sleeping on the couch under that big front window. it was dark. Something touched my face and there was a hand on my chest waking me up. I opened my eyes and it was her waking me at my Mom's and I woke up here in my room. In the dark I thought I was there for a moment, I almost called out. It was very confusing.
        I don't think it was my stinking thinking but it felt very real. Now I know I will be up the rest of the night. I guess I fell asleep with something on my mind and it manifested itself in my dreams. That would be a pleasant dream.
        It is a relief that it was a dream and not me again. It has been sometime since I have had an episode of getting lost in my fantasy's, just now realizing that after waking like that. Hmmm. Wow, It has been weeks, now that is a good feeling!! I would not say those times scare me but they do concern me. Figuring how quick it was for me to get wrapped up in those before makes day dreaming pretty dangerous for me. But now I wonder how long I can go with out one. I am sitting here grinning, because this is awesome! I just had a regular dream and I did not try and manipulate it into a strange fantasy!! Hell yeah that's kick ass. lol Hope you all appreciate that, it means something I am sure. Cross your fingers for a teary eyed old tough guy!! Hell yeah! Maybe I will go back to sleep for a little while, I feel ....well... kind of weird, in a good way. LMAo I don't know what that means or what I am feeling but either way it is good!

Be safe and happy.

Pirate03

Body and Soul

    Hey Boys and Girls! So many things change and surprise me. I started out learning how what I thought was an issue with alcohol 20 years ago was just the tip of the iceberg. It sounds so simple to hear it discussed now that it is hard to imagine that it had such a grip on me. Addictions to substances, actions and fantasy's turn out to be connected to my mind and my body.
     I am kind of at a loss for the right words right now. I know what I was wanting to share but not so much how. I am gonna patchwork some points and Ideas together and maybe it will all come together.

* I have found that the better my physical health is the easier my mind reacts to new processes and ideas.
* I have been seeking a spiritual path for most of my adult life and I am now finding some direction that I am comfortable with.
* I have become very intrigued by the many different ideas that revolve around this disease.
* I am very concerned with what Doc has said about permanent damage to my mind for waiting so long to start treatment.
 * I am anxious to get into a regular routine of counseling, both one on one and returning to group.

Ok, lets see what happens now. I have really started reaping the benefits of not smoking. I am really glad that my daughter and I decided to work the cold turkey thing together. She has become one of my biggest supporters. She had plenty of opportunities to make fun of me when we sat in Doc's office at the beginning of all this and laid out the plan. We did a full spectrum of tests to set the benchmarks, lot of blood was used for all this. Then we started, first it was a routine of physical fitness and eating right. This was the most important part for the success. As my body got stronger it effected my mind and then when it was time, the choice to drop the cigarettes was made much easier. It was a battle, that took a concerted effort of physical activity and constant mental awareness. It wasn't until I was two years into this then Doc started asking other questions and that is when the cat was let out of the bag. The one good thing that came from that was that the skills I had learned for quitting smoking were prepping me for this stage. I was confused at first, I was alone and I was scared. What the hell, the docs at the hospital had it all wrong, in the end they really just made it worse for me, let me think that I could live normally. As we got into it all I was not very happy. Denial is a harsh tax master. I remember being so upset about the things I was learning that I got physically ill. When I tried to end it all, Doc was there, gave an addict drugs to be normal. LOL he knew what I needed that's for sure, he got me back to reality. I have also made some good friends along the way, we are by no means normal people but we understand each other.
      Doc was never clear on exactly what is meant by permanent mental damage, lovely. It apparently will manifest itself as I progress through the recovery stage. I am worried about it though, from the things I have read, it very well may be a combination of chemical damage from the items I put in me and the mental damage from constant internal manipulations over a prolonged period of time. So we will see.
      My health has taken on a new meaning for me this year, I realize how important it is to be in good health to help your body cope with illnesses and it helps your mind cope with new emotions. From getting my weight back into control, keeping active to fight the constant pain of my arthritis to having the energy to be out and about and allowing me to sleep better. My health even helps me handle stress which is a very big enemy to me. LOL, understatement of the decade! I have made a lot of discoveries and have grown from within, but I still have much to learn. The brightest part to all this is the skills I have developed to control my issues.


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Scorpio Males..... Information overload

   It has been a learning experience this whole recovery process. Not just about what I have learned about myself, but the amount of information that is available. There has been a tremendous amount of energy over the years by many people to study and diagnose the disease of addictive personalities. By now you would think that you could take an exam and figure out if you have any potential for mental illnesses. Personality profiles could be built for each person and we could learn skills to be prepared for our short comings and prevent the disaster that follows. That would be nice though no one would appreciate it! Here is an example of something that has a very realistic and accurate account of my personality but based on the zodiac signs designated by the birth date of an individual as it relates to the stars. The craziness of it is the accurate depiction of me as a Scorpio male. Its uncanny....
       The Scorpio male is unlike any other man of any other astrology sign. He is so unique that a separate section is needed to explain about dating the Scorpio man. Unlike most other zodiac signs, what it's like to date a Scorpio woman is very similar to dating a Scorpio man. The main difference is that instead of presenting a powerful feminine force like the woman, the Scorpio man presents a strong masculine, sexual force. The Scorpio man is easy to seduce and take home for the night, it is much harder to form a real relationship with him. The Scorpio man is very sensitive and feels lonely and unfulfilled, but he will never let a woman know this. Behind closed doors, be sensitive and affectionate to him appeal to his emotions only if you want a close relationship with him do not attempt to lead him on because he will see this and never forgive you. Toying with a Scorpio male is an unwise move. He will be jealous and possessive and will never allow a woman to control him. Let him take the lead because the Scorpio male is truly a fascinating person, you can never go wrong when he is planning the night! Scorpio men are very moody and their moods change like a pendulum on a clock. Stand by his side in these times and it will pass. Do not nag on him for he has a hard enough time understanding his own emotions. Scorpio men make excellent protectors and you will always feel safe under his radiating, passionate and energetic power.
           Now you don't know me, and it would be unrealistic to believe that you could compare this write up to what I am like. With that said you pretty much have to take my word for it. I know that the people closest to me would have to agree with this assessment as well after they read it. But unlike you they are not reading this.....their loss of course! Be back later!

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Internal Battle

There is one big battle going on within me that I am struggling to find a good answer.

      I have gained a level of confidence in so many aspects of my addictions, my life and my physical and mental health that I feel empowered to have a controlled and somewhat normal life. Like I have said before, just knowing what the problem is has made a colossal impact on my recovery and gaining a sense of security back into my life.

     I am now dealing with a more personal issue that I am afraid that I am struggling to accept. Unfortunately I have so little control of this aspect that I have become a spectator to some extent. I have been told that I can not communicate with her (you now see once again one of my biggest hurdles) and that I need to just let go of her and the life we had and any life we could have. That is a problem for me. My rational mind can understand the concept of all that, though my emotional mind can not accept a life without her in it.  So how does this effect my recovery, in a sense it does not have a great impact one way or another. I do know that if it was the two of us working together to solve the problems we both have we would be successful. We have been there before and we succeeded together. Can I move forward in a physical sense without her? I am sure that in that frame work yes I could. LOL, so now the more important concern is how my emotional/mental side will do with this absence. So far it has left a giant hole in me, it has served to have me realize the feelings that she must have had to endure. This as painful as it has been for me, became a motivation to make things right. I can't take it back at this point but I can control whether it is ever repeated, its these things that make us grow. Change tests us and forces us to mature and grow, through wisdom and emotion. With that I have seen what type of a person I have been hiding away. I have always been a caring and tender person, but I let myself get lost and forgot to take care of the feelings of the one I have always loved. That's what is at the bottom of the hole in me. My remorse, regret and shame. I have since confronted them and know their sting, I have become their master.
      I have only convinced myself that a life with me will be one of joy, love and caring. There in is another problem, I can not demonstrate that effectively. I have cried wolf to many times and there is little belief that I will fulfill what I say. UGH My frustration, I can and do see my inner self and know what I am capable of and how I can be from this point forward, but I have no known way to reveal the true nature of it all to anyone other then me. It is just a metaphor but if I could only remove my heart and give it completely to my love where she could sense it, feel it, touch it and know it, it would be clear the incredible life we could have.
     So today I am here, on a swift road traveling alone. I am not bitter, I have no right to be, the bitter taste I have some moments are from my own design. The past lingers there to remind me to be vigilant constantly, to look for those little things that make life sweet and to recognize the distractions for what they really are. I know who I am, I know what I am, I know what I am capable of, I know what my limitations are and I know my capacity for loving someone. Now if I could some way relay that information in a way that it was as clear and sincere as I am, then I would be a step closer to my own enlightenment.
     That's from me today, it may not be of any use to anyone, but it is a significant portion of my thoughts. I apologize now for boring all or any of you with my whining, but I believe it has been said before, "You can't control who the heart loves.". Once again I love all of you, I hope somewhere and sometime you find the answers you are looking for.

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03 

Release

Starring intently into the darkness of the past.

Breathing in deep, letting the dream go.

Weeping, tears clean a path for hope.

An uncertain world is greeted with a quiet sigh.


Pirate03 

The future, a future, my future....

     Hello my friend! I have had a bizarre day. It was a good day, I felt incredible and confident throughout the entire day. I really enjoyed myself and I could actually feel the people around me feeding off my positive energy. It was refreshing. I have had a number of good days of late, though this was by far the most positive of them all.
       I seem to think that it started in the early morning yesterday. I was laying awake in my rack. You know that I was thinking of what I have lost and how to regain that lost love. In the midst of that it began to rain. The soft sound of a light rain on the outside of the tent was calming, it did remind me of passed days of camping with my family. This had me thinking of how I had seen my future in the days gone by and how I am building a new picture of that future now. I have a plan I am working on, it is coming together on many different levels, it does have holes that need to be filled but all things come in time.
      I have been spending quite a bit of time concerning my spiritual mind and how it plays a role in my future. "My future", that is what I called it, but in all the world is this to be just my future, how am I connected to others and would that become "Our future". The possibilities are interesting. I had a very interesting discussion last night with a man from South India, he is searching for enlightenment through his Hindi beliefs. We talked about the soul and how it ties to our physical and emotional self. It was a very good discussion, we tended to agree on many beliefs even though we understood them in different ways. The discussion was a very open exchange of ideas and contemplation of the possibilities of each others beliefs. It was an uplifting discussion. Sudhaka is a very positive and caring person, he was as fascinated with my views and beliefs as I was of his, I did enjoy the exchange of ideas and the open talk without judgement.
      In all this, the day was very good and I understood that My future can be filled with these good days. I very much have an influence (not control) on how my future will be filled. I know that I will be happy, I know that my health will be sound for some time to come, I know that my mind is hungry and I will find all that it desires and I know that I will love again! The knowing and accepting have lifted so many burdens from me, just knowing that makes all other things even more possible. Yes my future is full of Hope, but with a guided hand that hope will become fulfillment and that will lead to a good and happy life. I have finally come to a point in my life that I am looking forward to what a future has in store for me. And once more the possibilities have me sitting here in tears, it is a crazy mixed up new world I have stepped into and I love it more then I have in a very long time.
       I hope that this sharing helps anyone, I know it does me, even with the prospect that this will never be seen. I have fundamentally changed, not so much physically, but in the way I see myself and how I believe I should be with others. I want to love again, I want to be loved again, I need these things as much as I need air to breath. I do have a vision on how that could be but I have no control over those things, I will be what I can and look for a path that will bring me to my future and my peace of mind.


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Bag of Rocks

     Hello again. Today it struck me that I am carrying around a big bag of rocks. They don't serve a purpose but they do weigh me down and wear me out.

     That bag of rocks is my head full of negative thoughts and dwelling on the past. The bag is even full of sand too, this helps me not see past the rocks.  Its not a constant bag of rocks, but I feel it enough that I am paying close attention to it and I am picking out stones and putting them away. Sort of a rock garden for myself. The good thing is once I see the rocks I can drain the sand throw a small hole which helps identify the bigger rocks and I can handle them one at a time.

     Yeah I know its a bit silly to describe it like that, but I thought it was fitting and I am finding my sense of humor coming back and that is refreshing. One of the rocks in my bag has been the possibility of meeting someone new. My daughters and others have put it to me that I should get online and meet some girls and see what happens. I gave it a half ass shot if anything and I am just not into it right now. I still have some internal issues I have to work out and I don't need to put this on some innocent person looking to have a real relationship. LOL, plus I find I keep comparing them all to one individual and those are hard shoes to fill. My time will come, I am not in a rush to just jump in the sack with the first person that answers my email. I need to be ready and really need to be able to communicate properly. When it happens I want a strong, healthy and happy relationship. I want one that I can pour myself into it fully. This is where that bag of rocks is such a burden too. I can not be trying to deal with my issues and then combine that with trying to figure out if I am gonna say or do the right thing. I do not want to hurt anymore people, that is a toll on the soul I am no longer willing to pay for.

     I keep thinking of that movie about a bunch of people in rehab, 28 days I think its called, I need to be able to care for a plant and myself before I can take care of the feelings of another. LOL. It was a good and sometimes sad movie. It gives a perspective though, it helps focus on the continued successes of being in recovery and really wanting to be better and different. I desire the changes that are coming on in me. Some need some work, but I am giving it all a good chance of succeeding. Some of it has become enjoyable, take this writing stuff for instance. I would have never thought that I would get so into this, I am so unafraid to say whatever in writing. I have cried while in the middle of a word or laughed because of a thought I was trying to convey. It has become very powerful for me. I am tossing those rocks away and cleaning house in my attic. Need the room...lol.

    Well that's my thoughts on this for now, got to get back to the real world and get that straightened out too! LMAO I love you all, I may not know you or you may be someone dear to me, but I truly love you for being in here and suffering through this with me..... It is an awesome world!

Be safe and Happy,

Pirate03

Hills and valleys

       Been up and down pretty fast lately. My moods and mind change so quickly. I have seen a pattern that I can manage though. I have been dwelling on the past again and that brings me to the if's and that will bring on the guilt and then my self esteem pays for it all.
       I say that I can manage it, mostly because I can actually tell when it is happening. LOL Then I am back talking to myself, but now I am guiding my mind to deal with the issues. Did you know that I am pretty awesome, really, even I know that now. I realized that I was not a bad person, but I did make some bad decisions.

I am gonna have to come back and finish this, I actually feel like I can go to sleep! Laterz

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03 

Awake again.

      It is 2 am and I am awake again, sitting in the dark talking to my new best friend.  My sleep has been disturbed again by my thoughts. This one may be an "awakening". I have had a lot of new things going on in me and around me over this past year. None of it has turned out in the manner that I had wanted. Well maybe saying none is not truly correct, but the major things have not come out the way that I would have liked.
      I really thought I had time, time to make things right. That got washed away and I went into panic mode and tried to get what I thought was needed done fast so I could get my life back. But that in itself is my addiction talking, wanting the end result now! I was letting my recovery be driven by my addictive self.
      During that panic though I did find some answers, not many that I liked as it would be. I came to understand that what I thought I needed to do was not entirely accurate. I now see that I will not get my old life back, and in that it is best that I don't go back to that. I realized in that panic time that this is not going to happen the way I want it or in the time that I want it. I will be doing this alone, I do not have the luxury of the other any longer. This whole recovery, self evaluation process is a dual edged blade. One side, the new side is the change with in that is going on. The other side, the old side is the side that cuts deep. The old side lets me see into myself and see the person I have become, it is the side that awakens me in the middle of the night with the understanding that what I once had is now gone and it is time to move on.The old side is scared with these times of realization. each time is a better understanding of the workings of the inside. It is a painful set of lessons to be learned there is no doubt in that. I can think of easier things to do but nothing that is as important as this.
        Now it is by no means all doom and gloom. There are demons that I am fighting, there are moments of reflection that do make this old man cry and I still have the broken heart. But I do whistle as I take on each day, I feel the suns warmth on me and I do hear the birds singing to one another. The days get better and I get stronger, even with all these feelings. I have pushed old fears down and I am managing them. I have daily battles and I am sure that I am not alone in that, but I am winning the war. I need allies most of all, I have a few, though they are fighting their own wars within themselves. Time is the key to this it would seem right now, It may very well change as I learn more, if you ever do read this, know that I miss you and love you more. I do hope that happiness finds you one way or another.
         Wow, that is who I have been talking to this evening with out even realizing it. New things all the time. I am gonna try for a couple more hours asleep, need my wits about me tomorrow.

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03

If is a mighty big word....

     Did not sleep at all last night, so many things going on in my head I could not rest. I kept replaying events in my head hoping for a different outcome. It is the if's....

If I had just paid attention to her feelings.
If I had stopped and thought about why I was doing something.
If I just turned around and seen the world around me heading in a different direction.
If I was not always so scared that no one would love me.
If I was not afraid to say what I felt about anything.
If I just thought about how what I was doing would make others feel.

      How is it that we end up eventually only focusing on the negative aspects of our life when things get tough. Are we like the news broadcasts on TV and need the sensationalism of the drama? There are so many more positive things, events, happenings and feelings in the past then we realize. It all out weighs the negative but still we can only remember the ugliness.
      I am learning many things about myself as well as those around me from the negative things we all have done to each other. I am using that to learn how to not repeat those events and using it to hold on to all the positive that there has been. My mind and my heart are filled with all the memories and feelings that were happy, I am so full of the positive that whenever the negative forces its way in I cry a little for everyone. That is another thing that I am learning, to control the out rush of emotions. I have been holding everything in for so long that I lack some control over the new feelings and I tend to over do it.
       If I could just let go.... that's what people keep telling me. It just does not feel right to do that, it resembles giving up way to much. I have always been one to believe that the best things in life are worth fighting for. I do it for my family and I do it for my country, so I can not fathom a reason to give up now. I just don't know sometimes what I should do, it is mind numbingly frustrating. I only have control of me and that is what I have to deal with. I have no control over others, though I really wish I had a little. It is the others I truly worry about, because I do not have control. I know where I am in my head and where I am now in life, I think I know where I want to be. So I have a sense of control with that. Yeah sure I have some bad days but they are manageable, I am way passed hurting myself anymore. No going back there!
       I guess the biggest if is "If I could just get them to see what possibilities there are when we walk together". That is a mighty big if....

Survived another Day!

Be safe and Happy,

Pirate03

A Bad head day

Here I am now at 4 am and I am sitting in my rack dealing with my brain.

Ever have a bad hair day? One of those days when a ball cap is the only thing that can fix it. Well today has been one of those days for me except it was a bad brain day. No damn ball cap for that!

I wonder why I struggle so much to be able to make a relationship work. I know inside I should not be involved in anything so emotionally driven. My insecurities are still active enough to cause me to doubt  my choices and question every action of people around me. It is so frustrating, I am reading emotions into situations that are not there. Still worried about being pushed aside it would seem. I think that it would be best for me to refrain from starting anything new until I have a grasp of these emotions.

Even with my children I am having trouble understanding what they are feeling. Should I even be concerned with that? They are my biggest motivation to live in the real world. I do look for their acceptance probably more then I should and with that I place to much of an emotional burden on them. One of the reasons I started writing here, I was dumping my thoughts out on them and that was selfish of me. Oh I know they care and they will try to help, but they don't need all this on their minds while they live their lives. By no means am I thinking of leaving them out, I just want them to be happy and not fret over what I am doing.

Letting go is a very complicated and trying event. Some days I feel confident that I can move forward with out things from my past. I can see a future for me, with new people and places. Though I long for  some of the past. I would not like to go back to the way things were, that would be foolish. I would love to take things from the past and mix them in with the here and now, potentially making them better then they were before. Dreams are good I guess, though it has been a very long time since any of mine have come true.

A bad brain day! How to fix it. I am glad that these days are moving further apart, these days are very taxing. Today I have no additional insight into why I am feeling like this. Maybe just being lonely feeds them, who knows. What I do know is that I will shake this day off and start the next one here in a couple hours. I can see where the AA motto of "One day at a time" is so important for someone like me. Add in the Seal's motto of "The only easy day is yesterday!" and I have a combination to help me see the day through.

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03

Just for laughs

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and gotta love that pig)!!

Watched a video of a guy that is considered a motivational speaker. Larry Winget, I would recommend anyone give him a listen. He makes some good points, has fun the whole time he is on and keeps it all on personal responsibility.
      Pretty much his point of view is to take responsibility for yourself, quit whining and don't blame others for your stupid mistakes. I can agree with that. He also said something that I have forgotten so many times. He talked about fixing yourself and others will be better.
      Years ago I was in an AA meeting, one of many that I was going to. 90 in 90. There was one gentlemen there that night that said pretty much the same thing, but he said it with first hand knowledge. He had conviction in his voice and had no doubt that it was important to him. He said that once he fixed himself his wife got better. It was an awesome moment in an otherwise dreary day, I will try to never forget that little old man and his wisdom again. It did set me right back in 91, it really made me reconsider so many things that were going on in my head.
       Even the serenity prayer has that in it. Knowing what you can and can not control. The only thing that I can control is myself. Yeah I did blame others for my ways. I was big on talking to myself with out knowing it. I blamed my wife for our problems quite a bit, always thinking she just did not understand what was going on. In a way I imagine that she did not understand, mostly because I never talked with her. But it was ultimately me that did not understand. I did not realize how I was pushing her away along with many others. I was making my self alone, and then I would be upset because I was alone. What an ugly circle I got myself into.
        Oh I understand now that I have a predisposition to push people away if I let my fears run my life. I still catch myself talking to myself, feeling sorry for poor old me but I don't have to fall inline with that voice anymore. I am confident that me knowing now that I do have this disorder and I can combat it is the single most important piece of information in my recovery. "I can"!
         I can now recognize when I am letting my thoughts carry me away. It may not always be apparent as soon as it begins but I will see it and I can make a choice to choose what to do. It may have taken some time to rationalize this but when it finally sunk it it was like a sonic boom went off in me.
         I can openly discuss what I am feeling. This is really a big one for me. I have never shared openly with anyone my fears and weaknesses. I was a man's man, people relied on me, I could not show weakness...... pretty solid stuff there. I am more of a man's man now because I have changed. No I don't sit around and cry about all my troubles....well not anymore....., I now face them and deal with them. Yeah its tough, but isn't that what tough guys do? They don't ignore or deny the existence of a problem. They accept it and find a solution and if he does not have the answer he looks for help to find an answer. Oh man I did whine and complain at the beginning. I was paranoid about so many things. Everyone saw me as confident and dependable. I was a double agent against my own persona. I thought to myself that everyone was gonna leave me. I still battle with trusting people, I still fear being abandoned, but I am getting better each time as I deal with it, talk about it. I know that talking here where no one knows me could be considered a cop out. That's cool, I am still talking and learning about me. I just want to fix me right now.
        I can accept that all this crap is my fault and that I have to mend the wounds myself. Once again this does not come on easily, LOL I fought hard to blame others, even convinced myself it was everyone else " I am okay the rest of you are assholes?". I don't know if there is any one thing that finally makes everything clear and snaps the puzzle pieces in place. I am not all the way there but I do feel confident (truly) that I am on the right trail. I am actually happier then I have been in over a decade, my heart is broken that is for sure but that I lay at my feet. One wound at a time I guess, I have a bandage on it, waiting for it to heal while I fix other things.
        I can feel the sun on my face. That may seem a silly thing to put in here, but oh man that is a mountain for me. I remember a few years ago, back in Kentucky I was driving on a back-road heading to check on a job site. It was a gorgeous day, it was Fall, the air was cool and the sky was bright blue. A couple clouds dotted the sky and it was beautiful. I was out in farmlands, this was a Hallmark greeting card but it all was lost on me. It hit me hard, I stopped and got out of the truck. Still it meant nothing, I felt nothing, I started to realize how miserable I was, and that made it even worse. Such a grand day and I could not appreciate it. This is me, the one who camps, runs through the woods, showed my children the wonders of nature. traveled many trails with my wife but I could not find a shred of happiness in that moment. Yeah I cried, no one was around, I was feeling sorry for myself. No one would know again. Not today! Even in the war torn world here in AFG I hear the birds, I feel the breeze and I even taste the dust that is everywhere and I appreciate it all. Granted I look forward to the day I return home, but right now I am alive and right in the world.
             I know that I am not really very organized in the blogging thing here, more like buck shot through all this. I will get better and put another direction to all this. I am conducting a data dump of my thoughts here and making room for new stuff. I dream that my struggles will help me and hopefully help someone else. I can only hope. Until the next time!


Did I just hear a cricket?

Pirate03

Spoiler Alert....A little Graphic for some

I have found that my mind has a tendency to drift.

Much like a speck of dust latches onto a slight current in the air. It will tumble and twist looking for an easy route. Outwardly it appears to be a random process, a product of chance.

Though in reality, it is a precise targeted projectile.

It is in a perpetual state of motion, in search of a fantasy.

 It comes on in many forms. It attempts to transform my thoughts as if it were a child’s game. As though; it was on a quest to saturate my brain with the numbing effects of pure pleasure.

Today was no exception to this event. As I was returning from my meal, I caught my mind engaged in an elaborate stage performance based on the physical world I was traveling within. In of itself the spectacle is brilliantly laid out. Every detail captured with exacting realism. It becomes a dazzling and beautiful dance of fact and fiction, of romance and action, blending all the articles of the story into a dream that comes alive with the release of the prize.   

It is a hero’s story, a violent and action filled folly. The scene begins with our hero (Me) walking quietly along a dirt covered road.  Lost in thoughts of a life gone wrong our hero absently walks upon a small group of men seemingly engaged in a heated discussion. Three of the men are but boys, young soldiers far from the safety of their parents reach. They are attempting to explain their misfortune of being lost along this road to the armed men that have delayed the young soldiers. Reasoning is lost upon these men, for they are filled with disdain for these young privileged foreigners.

As the discussion becomes more chaotic, one of the men carrying a weapon strapped across his back. He steps back away and begins to move his weapon into line with the back of the fairest of the three young soldiers. As his finger moves to release the safety of the weapon our hero reacts out of instinct to protect the cub from danger.

He draws the one weapon he possess, a belt knife with much history, and darts with full force towards the man raising the threat. With a strong shoulder to the man’s rib cage our hero lifts the man off his feet, causing the now misaimed weapon to discharge above the heads of all. The hero slams the body of the evil man into the stone wall with enough force to crack ribs and force the air from his lungs.

Just as the man is trying to get his feet under him to fight off his unseen attacker our hero drives the point of his knife into the throat of the man that would have shot a young man in the back.

The motion and the noise of the weapon startled all that were about into hysteria. The largest of the three young soldiers lost his footing and fell into the ditch alongside the road. Rolling to his side he turns just in time to see the remaining men grab ahold of the fair young soldier and they use him as a shield as they back away into the heavily wall compound that they lived.

The young soldiers are confused and unsure of what actions to take. Though our hero does not suffer from indecision at this event, he directs the two remaining young men to alert their kin and go get help.

Cutting the weapon free from the dead man our hero ducks behind a short wall as shot from within the compound begin strike all around the area where he stood. Knowing that the boy they have taken will have no chance of coming out alive if something is not done quickly, our hero moves with determination. Drawing the weapon to the ready and getting a bead on the first gunman our hero squeezes the first round off and the bullet catches the shooter just above they right eye. The man’s body drops with the weight of a lifeless creature. Our hero moves forward.

With shots hitting at every step our hero deliberately moves his weapon into line with the next target identifies friend or foe, squeezes of two rounds and drops another enemy. On he moves catching the enemy by surprise and the understanding that the young man they took will be returning with him. Every step he takes brings him closer to his goal and with each step another enemy falls.

Our hero is moving from cover to cover but still he is hit with a bullet that tears through his shoulder. With uncanny luck the round misses all bone and clears the back of our hero. The pain drops him to a knee, but this brings his eyes in line with the young man being beaten and dragged away from him. With fierce determination our hero gets to his feet and begins his one man assault to save this boy. He is progressing steadily, making up ground as he moves. Two more enemy fall to his steady eye, and another bullet finds its mark and drills into our hero’s thigh. He can move but knows that his time is limited. He is losing blood fast and the torn muscles are screaming to quit.

Pushing himself with the will to protect that boy our hero moves forward. Now he is focused solely on the men that have the boy. He stalks them head on, oblivious to all others. He draws on two men and squeezes the trigger, nothing happens, the ammunition is gone. From the corner of his eye our hero barely catches the movement of a man bearing down on him from behind the vehicle in front of him. He quickly draws his knife as he turns his body to the side making himself a smaller target. The attacker fires his weapon repeatedly as he runs towards our hero. His movement makes his aim untrue and only three bullets find there mark though barely. I hero is now fully pumped in the battle and this time he does not even realize he has been hit again. The men collide into one another and the attacker’s eyes gape open when the blade of our hero’s knife guts the man where he stands. He falls to the ground and drags our hero down with him.

Pulling away our hero retrieves the weapon of the fallen enemy and draws on the men beating the young soldier. The rounds tear through the bodies of the two men. Our hero empties the weapon in a screaming rage at the two hold the soldier. Our hero struggles to his feet, makes it the last few feet to the soldier. Blocked by the vehicle all the others lose sight of the hero and the soldier. Our hero stands over the soldier, tears stream down our hero’s face with the heartache of failure to protect the lad.

The boy coughs and gasps for breathe. Startling our hero into action, barely able to move, our hero fights through the pain and grabs the young man and pulls him to his feet. The two men stagger together picking up the weapons of the fallen enemies. They move slowly towards the entrance of the compound. It seemed an eternity to get where they were but it was just 30 feet into the compound.  They pick the route with the most cover. Men are shouting and shots still fly by the men. Another bullet buries itself in our hero’s arm, pushing him into the wall. Losing blood faster than he could imagine, our hero, pushes off and the two men rush as fast as they can towards the opening of the wall. Another round hits our hero in the back, puncturing his lung and driving him to the ground just outside the compound. All is lost, the moment has been taken and our hero is face down in the dirt.

Just then you hear the shouts of many men outside the compound. The air all around is blasted with the heat and sound of rapid gunfire. The enemy moves to hide from the onslaught brought on by the brothers in arms of the young soldiers. Our hero is barely aware of what is going on around him, he attempts to get up. He is able to get to his knees. He sees that the boy is safe and all his stress to protect the boy is released and our hero passes out.

This is a result of my mind finding its own sense of reality. It attempts to draw me into becoming part of this twisted dream world. Before I would get wrapped up in this world and find myself believing some of the fabrications that my mind creates.

The Need to Always Be Right

One of the most important ways that humans learn is by making mistakes. Those who refuse to acknowledge their mistakes will struggle to learn anything. The reason why people can become obsessed with being right all the time is that they have allowed their beliefs and opinions to be too closely connected to their self esteem. They believe that if their beliefs or opinions are wrong it means that they are wrong, but this is untrue. Humans are fallible creatures and they are allowed to be wrong. Those individuals who do not have the humility to accept this will find it hard to grow in recovery.

Hello All,

       Sitting here in my rack, which I finally got a lower one so it makes things more comfortable for a night or two, giving some thought to how these 15 things have played a part for me over the past year. I would say this one is a tough one to come to grips with for me. I fought with myself many times over who was right. It was not until I was in a recovery mode that I really understood how wrong I was and how hard I wanted to be right in everything I did. I really started believing the fantasy world my mind painted for me. It is a bit unsettling as I look at it now, I am so thankful that I am able to see when I get lost in those thoughts and can find my way out.

      It is a wonder sometimes that I was able to be successful in my professional life and a complete failure with my personal relationship with my now ex-wife. I was a very confident and sometimes cocky leader. I was very good at what I did and I had a lot of young men that looked up to me and I held myself to a pretty high standard to make sure I took care of those same young men. We were bonded by our situation and depended on each other to be there without fail. It was a stress filled life at times, the fear of death was pushed out of our thoughts by our training and by the task ahead of us. All the things I was able to accomplish and the things I had to face now seem so daunting. In light of all that it saddens me that I could not find it in me to care for the one that truly cared for me above all others. Sure we had good times, and there was love without limits. Yet, neglect leaves a big hole in someone after a while. I did not realize how big I was making that hole until it was too late. I think now, how alone she must have felt those years when I was locked in my head. It hurts still to realize she needed to talk to someone else to feel special again, but I brought that on and I don't hate her at all for that. 

     Sure I was mad for awhile, I knew that it had to be her fault for what had happened. In my mind I was doing what needed to be done to make things right. But as it turned out I was not right again. I wanted to be right, I had to be correct. If I was not right about this then it meant that a string of failures would lay at my feet. Well that's where it all ended up, piled at my feet, a big pile of my ego. That is hard to swallow, it will take some more time for me to really come to grips with it all. I feel that each day helps to lighten the burden of guilt. I am really rambling tonight, got off track of where I wanted to go. I guess the dream I had last night brought back some unresolved issues. I work these 15 items to be let go of into my life but other things are more difficult to let go of. 

      I am not even making sense to myself tonight. LMAO. Even with the frustration of losing my train of thought and having to relive some feelings, I still feel okay. I am not going to lose the ground I have gained tonight. You all be safe and happy, I will be back when I gather my thoughts. (lol. I am sure one day that this will be seen and someone will find something in it to connect to, it is after all just my beginning)

Pirate03

Okay, the list below was not developed by me, I have been trying to live without these things and I made them mine.

15 Things to Give Up in Recovery

Giving Things Up Can Make You Happy

A blog post called 15 Things You Should Give Up to be Happy offered some practical advice for how people can make a difference to their comfort levels. The changes suggest involved giving up certain negative behaviors and beliefs. None of this advice would be described as groundbreaking, and it doesn't require people to make any drastic changes to their life. The wonderful thing about these suggestions is that they are simple yet highly effective. When applied to somebody who is recovering from an addiction this advice may even have more value.

Importance of Being Happy in Recovery

All humans want to be happy – even those who do things that move them away from this. It is often fairly claimed that it is this desire for happiness that drives the human race. In western culture there is the common assumption that people deserve to be happy, and that getting in the way of other people’s happiness is a bad thing.

Finding happiness is of particular importance to people in recovery because:

If people feel comfortable in their new life away from addiction they will fight harder to keep it. 

Those individuals who sober up but fail to find happiness are more likely to relapse.

Those individuals who have been through the hell of addiction will have suffered a great deal. They owe it to themselves to find happiness in recovery.

The family and friends of the addict are likely to have suffered as well. When they see this individual turn their life around and find happiness it will benefit them too – even if it is only because they have less to worry about.

It is this striving for happiness that encourages people to grow and develop. The individual will continue to chip away at their character flaws because they feel certain that this will bring them towards greater happiness.

Those individuals who find happiness in recovery are inspirational people. They inspire those who are still struggling with addiction to give sobriety a chance.

Giving Things Up in Recovery

It could be said that addiction recovery is all about giving things up. The most important thing that the individual gives up is alcohol or drugs. Until they take that step there cannot be any further progress. This giving up of addiction is only the start though, because the individual will be expected to give up much more if they hope to find real happiness in life. The reason why the individual turned to alcohol or drugs in the first place was because of things that were making their life uncomfortable. These things are likely to be still there when they enter recovery so they need to work hard at eradicating them – this is usually achieved by giving certain beliefs and behaviors up.

15 Things to Give Up in Recovery

The 15 things that people should consider giving up in recovery include:

The Need to Always Be Right

One of the most important ways that humans learn is by making mistakes. Those who refuse to acknowledge their mistakes will struggle to learn anything. The reason why people can become obsessed with being right all the time is that they have allowed their beliefs and opinions to be too closely connected to their self esteem. They believe that if their beliefs or opinions are wrong it means that they are wrong, but this is untrue. Humans are fallible creatures and they are allowed to be wrong. Those individuals who do not have the humility to accept this will find it hard to grow in recovery.

The Need to Control Things

One of the most important elements of the 12 Step program is that it teaches people to let go – in fact this is what almost all spiritual paths teach. When people put their trust in the universe it will make their life easier and lead them to happiness. This is summed up in the prayer:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

There is no need to believe in any particular God to benefit from the serenity prayer.

Blaming Other People

The individual has to take responsibility for their own life. Constantly blaming other people will not lead to any type of progress. It is just an excuse to avoid taking action. By blaming other people the individual is giving away their power.

Listening to Negative Self Talk

People have an internal dialogue that can have an influence on how they perceive the world and their place in it. Those individuals who have low self esteem may have an inner self talk that is constantly negative and critical about things. This inner voice is always telling the individual that they are no good or not worthy of happiness. It is vital to ignore this negativity and instead move towards more positive self talk.

Listening to Self Limiting Beliefs

If people are willing to settle for the bare minimum in recovery the chances are that this is what they will end up with. People are limited by how they view their own potential. In order to find real success the individual will need to break through these self imposed barriers.

Complaining About Life

Complaining about life accomplishes nothing. All it does is creates negativity and drains the individual’s motivation. There is the famous saying, if life gives you lemons you should make lemonade. Too much complaining is dangerous for people in recovery because it can easily lead to stinking thinking. Instead of focusing on what is wrong with the world the individual should put their attention on making the most of things.

Being a Critic

It is easy to criticize but it is a luxury that people in recovery cannot really afford. Each human is doing the best they can, and the best advice is for people to focus on doing the best they can.

Trying to Impress Other People

The truth is that humans are attracted to humans for who they are and not who they are pretending to be. Those who pretend to be something they are not will usually sound insincere or be perceived as a fake. The only thing that the individual needs to do to impress other people is for them to be themselves.

Fighting Change

Change is an unstoppable force in the universe, and to fight against it will usually lead to suffering. Humans tend to feel threatened by change, but when they embrace it they will find that it makes life a whole lot more interesting. Of course this is not to say that changing just for the sake of change is always a good thing.

Labeling Out of Ignorance

People tend to feel more comfortable when they can put a label on things. The problem is that this can lead to dismissing things out of hand or judging things unfairly. There can be a kneejerk temptation for the individual to label everything they do not understand as bad or threatening. This is an ineffective way of dealing with life. It is best to cultivate a beginner’s mind. This means that people are able to put aside their labels and approach new things with an open mind.

Being Afraid of Life

Fear only exists in the mind. Each individual has the choice of giving up their fears. When they are able to do this it increases their freedom. This is still hard for me some days.

F- False

E- Emotion

A- About 

R- Reality

Always Having an Excuse

Excuses are worthless. In fact they are worse than worthless because they give the individual a justification to not do the right thing. In order to progress in recovery the individual will need to do what is required – no excuses.

Obsessing About the Past

Bill Keane famously said:

 Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.

What’s done is done. In order to go forward in recovery the individual needs to make peace with their past. They need to accept that they are a different person today and forgive themselves completely for past mistakes. The best that humans can do in life is to be the best they can now.

Attachment to Certain Conditions

The Buddha advised his followers that they should free themselves from attachment – there is no need to be a Buddhist in order to benefit from this advice. Recovery is all about developing emotional sobriety and serenity. This means that the individual develops an inner tranquility that is not dependent on external conditions. By giving up their attachment on things being a certain way the individual is able to enjoy peace no matter what is happening in their life.

Living Life to Please Other People

William Shakespeare advised:

 To thine own self be true.

This encourages people to live their life in accord with their own values and beliefs. The problem with trying to please other people all the time is that in the end nobody is happy. The individual is trying to be something they’re not and this will cause them to become resentful and unhappy.

Long awaited start!

I have labeled myself, I once was put off by labels. To me the label limited you and forced you to exist with in the parameters of that label. I started on a new path that has me okay with the label.

I am an addict.

I have unknowingly lived with it for decades and "I" never really understood that I was ill. I have come to see many things in a new light and I honestly feel comfortable with sharing all this now. I had started writing a personal journal to help clear my mind. It has grown tobe a very big part of my recovery and sanity.

This being the beginning of my rants, I wanted to share one of the first things that I ever shared with anyone other then myself. It was basically a letter opening up the floor to my family and friends, I very much wanted to be part of their lives. I guess it was over the top but I have felt fairly vulnerable for awhile and I did get a little odd. LOL I will get into some of my history as I move through this, another thing very new in my life.

I have talked about addictive thinking in the past, my stinking thinking as it were.

There is a reason for me bringing up addictive thinking so often. The reason is that I still see that old addictive thinking trying to creep its way back in from time to time.

So if addictive thinking never goes away… what’s the point of all this? Well, even though it hasn’t entirely disappeared from my brain, I am getting pretty good at identifying addictive thinking.

Over the years I have developed some pretty bad behaviors that went unchecked for a long time due to my constant switching of my addictions. There were things like never completing anything, missing work for no reason other than I didn't want to go, and the biggest of them all… rationalizing all of my bad behavior so that it didn't seem so bad. Justifying to my inner self that what I was doing, saying and thinking was correct.

I would like to tell you that because of all my hard work and the things that I have learned about myself that I have alleviated all of my bad behaviors and am living the perfect life. But… that’s not realistic.

What I have become much better at is identifying my bad behaviors before they manifest themselves. This is what I refer to as addictive thinking. Those are the thoughts in my head that when they are really examined seem to be what used to feed my addictions. They were the controlling aspect of my mind that prevented rational and caring thought. It is the chemical reaction within the grey matter that leads to the misguided interpretation of pleasure or to some extent the momentary lack of pain. 

Even more than just being able to identify addictive thinking, I actually get a laugh out of some of the stuff that goes on in my head. I find that my addictive thinking can be really devious. I find myself whispering aloud “Ha, you almost got me” a lot and kind of snickering at myself.  Like a wiggling little lure, my addictions dangled fantasy in front of my brain and captured its attention with falsehoods that were accepted in place of reality.

So what gets me through this? I still strive to do the best that I can each and every day. This cuts down on the feeling of things lingering over my head. It also cuts down on dreading the unknown of the future. Lacking the knowledge of future outcomes has always been troubling for me. This has caused me to be unable to openly trust the people in my life that mean the most, it has trapped me in an ever present fear of being abandoned. Well now it seems that due to my actions from letting inner fears control my rational brain, I have become the abandoner. It is a sad twist of fate that has had a high price to pay.

I look clearly in recent days into my future. I see that there are many unknowns that lay before me and I find that I do not fear to walk forward as I have in my past. I still look back to reflect upon the path that brought me to this place that I am now and to prepare a list of supplies that will be needed to repair and rebuild the bridges that lay behind me in near ruin.   

I look to fill my future with a lack of fear. I wish to look back one day with limited regrets. I dream to find all the parts that have been misplaced and forgotten, to place the pieces neatly in order and discover what once a happy life was. I have no certainty that I will be able to construct the future that I have come to envision, though I am certain that I will embrace the unknown honestly, however it develops around me.

So now the inevitable comes to bear in this a so dramatic telling of desires. I put this forth with the hope for patience and perspicuity in the future. I have come to accept that there may be avenues that may never be traveled again by me, though I truly desire to find the well-worn routes and walk them again with those who have once before journeyed with me. I do not ask openly for forgiveness though it is evident that this is my quest.

I do not expect any fanfare or trumpets to call out my arrival; I only wish the chance to seek out that which has been lost. I offer out my open hand and a sincere greeting from me to you. May our journey but start with a kind word, I believe that we can reach all destinations. Thanking you now for your open mind and caring heart.