The Ninth of Forever!

      Hello All! I have been neglecting my writing, I do remember reading the blog of another addict and one of the things she talked about is that at sometime as she was having less and less drama in her life the less she was writing. I started wondering if that was the case for me.
      As it turns out, it pretty much is. I have found that as I accept things for what they are and realize what things I do and do not have control over, that my life becomes just a bit more manageable. It really is a comforting feeling to wash over you. Now don't get me wrong, there are still issues, but I know when and how to deal with them now. That in itself is an Armstrong on the moon kind of leap for me.
      Like today. In a perfect world today should have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary to the one woman that I have always loved. But because of my lovely past I am spending this day alone, quietly reminded that my actions or lack thereof had a big price to pay. I know it sucks, it really does, it will haunt me I am sure for my remaining days, (I would make a lousy criminal, my conscience would be my  undoing), but I have come to accept this as my road forward. With luck one day when I least expect it I may meet someone that I can share a life with. For now I have myself and a wounded ego to look after and that in itself could be enough right now. But for now I will quietly reminisce of how things were and how they could have been if all things were perfect! Love you all, loving me again and hoping and planning for a better future!

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03 

I did a thing.....

Ok, I know I have been away for to long. I had some internal struggles I was letting bring me down. Which in retrospect should have had me here more often!!! LOL

I have climbed out of that hole I made for myself and I am feeling good the past few days. Today though I feel fantastic, yes it is a beautiful day outside but I feel awesome inside as well. My mind and body are getting into sync it would seem. Of course I still have issues...lol... I will always have issues, but right now, right here I have them under control!!!!

Trying to let go of some of my past, it has benefits, once you find the how to getting it done. That is the trick to it. I do have doubts in my head and still want to hold on to some things, but in the big scheme of it all I know I must let go to move on. Sounds silly when you first think of it, but it will become clearer as it begins to happen.

Today though.... today is starting out in epicness. I only say that because I did something today that I have not done since I was a boy. I ran. I ran cuz it looked fun. I ran cuz it looked fun and it was! Silly isn't it! I had a laugh at myself because it felt incredible. Remember I spoke of that sad day in Kentucky. That day is gone, I have been feeling the sun, hearing the birds and smelling the fresh air. It is all coming back, piece by piece and I am falling in love with life! LOL. Silly boy.

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03

A Bad Dream.....I wish!

Today I had to finally make a decision I never wanted to make. I let go of my soul mate!

       How is it that we end up hurting the people that we actually care about the most? It makes no sense, but there it is. The most important person in my life I ended up taking for granted. I let her feel so alone and unloved, even though I loved her with ever cell of my soul.
       Where was my focus, why did I let myself be so uncaring. I really have no answer, I can not for the life of me even tell myself why did I act as I did. It is a hard reality to swallow, but in the end it is what I made for myself with out even trying or realizing.
        But that is the rub isn't it. Without trying! That is what ended it, somewhere, sometime ago I stopped trying. I sit here and cry, knowing that I let it all slip away, knowing I could have been so much more, I wanted to be so much more. All I have it seems is excuses for my actions, but I don't have anything else that I know to do right now. I am fragmented and lost in my regrets.
        I hate this, I know I have to face it, but I hate it. I don't really want to be this person, I don't want to be me. I am so tired, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of disappointing my family, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the shame, I am tired of crying all the fucking time, I am tired of being mad, I am tired of  jealous, I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of recovery, I am tired of not understanding, I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of being an addict, I am tired of people thinking I am faking it, I am tired, just fucking tired.
        I had my dream and I lost it! I want to scream! I am on such a feel sorry for myself trip and I know it and I am still here doing it! Crap! I am in such a screwed up place right now I am alienating everyone around me. Shit I don't even want to know me.


Pirate03

Reality sucks....sometimes!

Reality does suck today for me! I have tried to be patient and hold on as long as I can to what was once my life. I think that in doing so I am churning the waters and it is causing too much stress for others. Today is the day I say good bye, it hurts so much, I am flooded with my own emotions but I know this is what I have to do. I am sure I will cry a few more times before I find my way and put this last hurdle to rest. I really could use an owners manual, of all things why did I have to be so clumsy in dealing with the people I love the most. I really do want to say and do the correct thing, but somehow I manage to fall short.

Good luck out there, be safe and happy!


Pirate03

Needs...hidden as they can be!

        Quick note on something that happened today. Don't know if it has any bearing on anyone else's world but made me think.
        I have been pretty bent out of shape the past few days, had some news that just sat in my head wrong and it was festering. I was really letting it get to me. Well I was on the other end of the FOB clearing out some abandoned tents. They have been empty of personnel for months. While there I found a book. The title is "Anger- Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way"! Really that is what I found. I took it back to my room and started reading it. It is by a guy named Gary Chapman. So far it is a good read, very insightful. It is basically a Christian handbook on how to deal with anger. We all should have hand books for our emotions. Especially those like me that are handicapped in that area. I am so sure of so many things but turn to how I am feeling and I am clueless....lol. Anyway the book really was there for me, it is what I needed, sounds a bit over the top but there you go. When I needed something to help me think straight there it was. It could be that I am just much more open to outside guidance then I have in the past, but we will really never know. Any way I do feel good, and I learned something new again today, it is a good day. Love you all!

Be safe and happy,


Pirate03

Need to be in control....

Throughout my life in one way or another I have spent a lot of energy in being in control, of controlling the situation. No that does sound very backwards coming from an addict with low self esteem, abandonment issues and a fear of confrontation. It on the surface is what most people over the years would see as my polar opposite.
      Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
        How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
          What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
          I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
          What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Dreaming

Its almost 4 am, I just got woke up by a dream. It was not a nightmare but it was very confusing initially. I was at my Mother's house, the old house from when my Dad was alive. I was sleeping on the couch under that big front window. it was dark. Something touched my face and there was a hand on my chest waking me up. I opened my eyes and it was her waking me at my Mom's and I woke up here in my room. In the dark I thought I was there for a moment, I almost called out. It was very confusing.
        I don't think it was my stinking thinking but it felt very real. Now I know I will be up the rest of the night. I guess I fell asleep with something on my mind and it manifested itself in my dreams. That would be a pleasant dream.
        It is a relief that it was a dream and not me again. It has been sometime since I have had an episode of getting lost in my fantasy's, just now realizing that after waking like that. Hmmm. Wow, It has been weeks, now that is a good feeling!! I would not say those times scare me but they do concern me. Figuring how quick it was for me to get wrapped up in those before makes day dreaming pretty dangerous for me. But now I wonder how long I can go with out one. I am sitting here grinning, because this is awesome! I just had a regular dream and I did not try and manipulate it into a strange fantasy!! Hell yeah that's kick ass. lol Hope you all appreciate that, it means something I am sure. Cross your fingers for a teary eyed old tough guy!! Hell yeah! Maybe I will go back to sleep for a little while, I feel ....well... kind of weird, in a good way. LMAo I don't know what that means or what I am feeling but either way it is good!

Be safe and happy.

Pirate03