A Bad Dream.....I wish!

Today I had to finally make a decision I never wanted to make. I let go of my soul mate!

       How is it that we end up hurting the people that we actually care about the most? It makes no sense, but there it is. The most important person in my life I ended up taking for granted. I let her feel so alone and unloved, even though I loved her with ever cell of my soul.
       Where was my focus, why did I let myself be so uncaring. I really have no answer, I can not for the life of me even tell myself why did I act as I did. It is a hard reality to swallow, but in the end it is what I made for myself with out even trying or realizing.
        But that is the rub isn't it. Without trying! That is what ended it, somewhere, sometime ago I stopped trying. I sit here and cry, knowing that I let it all slip away, knowing I could have been so much more, I wanted to be so much more. All I have it seems is excuses for my actions, but I don't have anything else that I know to do right now. I am fragmented and lost in my regrets.
        I hate this, I know I have to face it, but I hate it. I don't really want to be this person, I don't want to be me. I am so tired, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of disappointing my family, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the shame, I am tired of crying all the fucking time, I am tired of being mad, I am tired of  jealous, I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of recovery, I am tired of not understanding, I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of being an addict, I am tired of people thinking I am faking it, I am tired, just fucking tired.
        I had my dream and I lost it! I want to scream! I am on such a feel sorry for myself trip and I know it and I am still here doing it! Crap! I am in such a screwed up place right now I am alienating everyone around me. Shit I don't even want to know me.


Pirate03

Reality sucks....sometimes!

Reality does suck today for me! I have tried to be patient and hold on as long as I can to what was once my life. I think that in doing so I am churning the waters and it is causing too much stress for others. Today is the day I say good bye, it hurts so much, I am flooded with my own emotions but I know this is what I have to do. I am sure I will cry a few more times before I find my way and put this last hurdle to rest. I really could use an owners manual, of all things why did I have to be so clumsy in dealing with the people I love the most. I really do want to say and do the correct thing, but somehow I manage to fall short.

Good luck out there, be safe and happy!


Pirate03

Needs...hidden as they can be!

        Quick note on something that happened today. Don't know if it has any bearing on anyone else's world but made me think.
        I have been pretty bent out of shape the past few days, had some news that just sat in my head wrong and it was festering. I was really letting it get to me. Well I was on the other end of the FOB clearing out some abandoned tents. They have been empty of personnel for months. While there I found a book. The title is "Anger- Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way"! Really that is what I found. I took it back to my room and started reading it. It is by a guy named Gary Chapman. So far it is a good read, very insightful. It is basically a Christian handbook on how to deal with anger. We all should have hand books for our emotions. Especially those like me that are handicapped in that area. I am so sure of so many things but turn to how I am feeling and I am clueless....lol. Anyway the book really was there for me, it is what I needed, sounds a bit over the top but there you go. When I needed something to help me think straight there it was. It could be that I am just much more open to outside guidance then I have in the past, but we will really never know. Any way I do feel good, and I learned something new again today, it is a good day. Love you all!

Be safe and happy,


Pirate03

Need to be in control....

Throughout my life in one way or another I have spent a lot of energy in being in control, of controlling the situation. No that does sound very backwards coming from an addict with low self esteem, abandonment issues and a fear of confrontation. It on the surface is what most people over the years would see as my polar opposite.
      Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
        How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
          What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
          I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
          What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Dreaming

Its almost 4 am, I just got woke up by a dream. It was not a nightmare but it was very confusing initially. I was at my Mother's house, the old house from when my Dad was alive. I was sleeping on the couch under that big front window. it was dark. Something touched my face and there was a hand on my chest waking me up. I opened my eyes and it was her waking me at my Mom's and I woke up here in my room. In the dark I thought I was there for a moment, I almost called out. It was very confusing.
        I don't think it was my stinking thinking but it felt very real. Now I know I will be up the rest of the night. I guess I fell asleep with something on my mind and it manifested itself in my dreams. That would be a pleasant dream.
        It is a relief that it was a dream and not me again. It has been sometime since I have had an episode of getting lost in my fantasy's, just now realizing that after waking like that. Hmmm. Wow, It has been weeks, now that is a good feeling!! I would not say those times scare me but they do concern me. Figuring how quick it was for me to get wrapped up in those before makes day dreaming pretty dangerous for me. But now I wonder how long I can go with out one. I am sitting here grinning, because this is awesome! I just had a regular dream and I did not try and manipulate it into a strange fantasy!! Hell yeah that's kick ass. lol Hope you all appreciate that, it means something I am sure. Cross your fingers for a teary eyed old tough guy!! Hell yeah! Maybe I will go back to sleep for a little while, I feel ....well... kind of weird, in a good way. LMAo I don't know what that means or what I am feeling but either way it is good!

Be safe and happy.

Pirate03

Body and Soul

    Hey Boys and Girls! So many things change and surprise me. I started out learning how what I thought was an issue with alcohol 20 years ago was just the tip of the iceberg. It sounds so simple to hear it discussed now that it is hard to imagine that it had such a grip on me. Addictions to substances, actions and fantasy's turn out to be connected to my mind and my body.
     I am kind of at a loss for the right words right now. I know what I was wanting to share but not so much how. I am gonna patchwork some points and Ideas together and maybe it will all come together.

* I have found that the better my physical health is the easier my mind reacts to new processes and ideas.
* I have been seeking a spiritual path for most of my adult life and I am now finding some direction that I am comfortable with.
* I have become very intrigued by the many different ideas that revolve around this disease.
* I am very concerned with what Doc has said about permanent damage to my mind for waiting so long to start treatment.
 * I am anxious to get into a regular routine of counseling, both one on one and returning to group.

Ok, lets see what happens now. I have really started reaping the benefits of not smoking. I am really glad that my daughter and I decided to work the cold turkey thing together. She has become one of my biggest supporters. She had plenty of opportunities to make fun of me when we sat in Doc's office at the beginning of all this and laid out the plan. We did a full spectrum of tests to set the benchmarks, lot of blood was used for all this. Then we started, first it was a routine of physical fitness and eating right. This was the most important part for the success. As my body got stronger it effected my mind and then when it was time, the choice to drop the cigarettes was made much easier. It was a battle, that took a concerted effort of physical activity and constant mental awareness. It wasn't until I was two years into this then Doc started asking other questions and that is when the cat was let out of the bag. The one good thing that came from that was that the skills I had learned for quitting smoking were prepping me for this stage. I was confused at first, I was alone and I was scared. What the hell, the docs at the hospital had it all wrong, in the end they really just made it worse for me, let me think that I could live normally. As we got into it all I was not very happy. Denial is a harsh tax master. I remember being so upset about the things I was learning that I got physically ill. When I tried to end it all, Doc was there, gave an addict drugs to be normal. LOL he knew what I needed that's for sure, he got me back to reality. I have also made some good friends along the way, we are by no means normal people but we understand each other.
      Doc was never clear on exactly what is meant by permanent mental damage, lovely. It apparently will manifest itself as I progress through the recovery stage. I am worried about it though, from the things I have read, it very well may be a combination of chemical damage from the items I put in me and the mental damage from constant internal manipulations over a prolonged period of time. So we will see.
      My health has taken on a new meaning for me this year, I realize how important it is to be in good health to help your body cope with illnesses and it helps your mind cope with new emotions. From getting my weight back into control, keeping active to fight the constant pain of my arthritis to having the energy to be out and about and allowing me to sleep better. My health even helps me handle stress which is a very big enemy to me. LOL, understatement of the decade! I have made a lot of discoveries and have grown from within, but I still have much to learn. The brightest part to all this is the skills I have developed to control my issues.


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Scorpio Males..... Information overload

   It has been a learning experience this whole recovery process. Not just about what I have learned about myself, but the amount of information that is available. There has been a tremendous amount of energy over the years by many people to study and diagnose the disease of addictive personalities. By now you would think that you could take an exam and figure out if you have any potential for mental illnesses. Personality profiles could be built for each person and we could learn skills to be prepared for our short comings and prevent the disaster that follows. That would be nice though no one would appreciate it! Here is an example of something that has a very realistic and accurate account of my personality but based on the zodiac signs designated by the birth date of an individual as it relates to the stars. The craziness of it is the accurate depiction of me as a Scorpio male. Its uncanny....
       The Scorpio male is unlike any other man of any other astrology sign. He is so unique that a separate section is needed to explain about dating the Scorpio man. Unlike most other zodiac signs, what it's like to date a Scorpio woman is very similar to dating a Scorpio man. The main difference is that instead of presenting a powerful feminine force like the woman, the Scorpio man presents a strong masculine, sexual force. The Scorpio man is easy to seduce and take home for the night, it is much harder to form a real relationship with him. The Scorpio man is very sensitive and feels lonely and unfulfilled, but he will never let a woman know this. Behind closed doors, be sensitive and affectionate to him appeal to his emotions only if you want a close relationship with him do not attempt to lead him on because he will see this and never forgive you. Toying with a Scorpio male is an unwise move. He will be jealous and possessive and will never allow a woman to control him. Let him take the lead because the Scorpio male is truly a fascinating person, you can never go wrong when he is planning the night! Scorpio men are very moody and their moods change like a pendulum on a clock. Stand by his side in these times and it will pass. Do not nag on him for he has a hard enough time understanding his own emotions. Scorpio men make excellent protectors and you will always feel safe under his radiating, passionate and energetic power.
           Now you don't know me, and it would be unrealistic to believe that you could compare this write up to what I am like. With that said you pretty much have to take my word for it. I know that the people closest to me would have to agree with this assessment as well after they read it. But unlike you they are not reading this.....their loss of course! Be back later!

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03