I have learned to live anew!

It is all out there, waiting to be found!

I have come to let myself see the world as it is. No fear is real, it is all within us. We make the demons that control us. It turns out to be that simple. For me it was a shock to my mind. It was me, all this time I was my own nemesis.

    I do miss my past in a sense that it was something that I was familiar with and it felt safe for that very reason. My past was me, in that all things it me lead to what I am today. But the past is gone, it is something we can never recover, it cannot be altered or manipulated for our satisfaction! It is a reminder of good and bad choices that we have made over the years.

   My future intrigues me now! What is out there, what adventures await! I am sure I will screw a few things up, that is a given. Fortunately I think that I can recover and grow from each of these moments. I have learned to laugh at myself and the things that fall in my lap. It is not really that important to get it right every time. The mistakes we make build us faster then our success as it turns out. Go figure!

   I am confident in what I can do and how I will accomplish the tasks I set for myself and those that others set for me. I will overcome them because I believe in me and those around me. We are never really alone, even those times where it appears that we truly are. They are there, they care, they are watching. they are praying, they are cheering for us all. We just did not see it clearly.

   I am watching, I am listening! If you need, call upon me. I will do all that I can to guide you and help you see clearly!

Be safe and happy!

Reboot Weekend

       It is kind of sad and funny how things catch up with me. Balance is paramount to my recovery, and sometimes I feel more like I am on a roller coaster chasing the balance I seek. I am either completely wrapped up in work and forgetting to live or I am focused just on entertainment. It ends up being one extreme to the next and that instability brings me back to depression. I have pretty much been having a pity party for myself all week. It's depressing to see myself doing this and knowing I control it.
      Well I am using this weekend to calm the waters and get some balance as well as a decent perspective. I am hopping a train today and spending the next two and half days sight seeing, reading and reflecting. I need my focus back, right now I feel like I am sinking and I can see the shore but I am not kicking in the right direction.
      It is lonely in here and I really do want a good relationship one day, but I still don't think I would be a good partner as I am. I do have a couple good friends that I can talk to but no one to really open up to. I do have an appointment to meet a new shrink, lol, he/she can be my new friend or confidant.

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

2013 My Year?

       My year has started without any drama. Which is in itself is a pleasant event. It is not without challenges though.
       Money these days is a constant issue in my life, but not an end all type of concern. I am starting out with a bit of a struggle financially but I am sure that with focus I will be fine. LOL, "FOCUS" I believe that is one of my more pressing concerns. I am making some strides in grounding myself and staying on task as it would be, so I believe that I will eventually prevail in this. I just need to survive the pending calls of people wanting their money now!
       My biggest concern is me and my relationships. I know that I do want one with someone special but not so sure if I am in a position to be a good partner right now. I feel that I have gotten used to being alone over the years and doing my own thing that I am not comfortable with changing anything. I am afraid to commit to any one person. I know that I need to effect change in my life and except it as growth, but I am not always willing. Its all new and confusing, there is a sense of safety in the things that are familiar to me, which draws me in to not allowing the change. Kind of a vicious circle!
       I am in search of a new shrink to discuss this with. Talking to someone that is outside of my world can be very helpful. For me it is important to find one that I am comfortable with, not one that I expect to tell me everything is okay and wonderful, but one that will shoot straight with me and no belittle me for being such a mess. I have a very good friend that is really finding herself after she started opening up with her Doc. It has made a big difference in her, she was reluctant and scared at first. I was very glad that she connected well with her confidant as I see them. Now if I can just find another one for me that I can open up too!
       With those at AA I feel that the motto of "One Day at a Time" is a good foundation for getting on your feet again. I do feel that I now need a more forward looking attitude and plan. I have a half baked business plan that I can focus my personal life on. The hardest part is the beginning, I have always said that I really believe it. So I guess my first step into the future is this one!


Be safe and Happy!

Pirate03

The Ninth of Forever!

      Hello All! I have been neglecting my writing, I do remember reading the blog of another addict and one of the things she talked about is that at sometime as she was having less and less drama in her life the less she was writing. I started wondering if that was the case for me.
      As it turns out, it pretty much is. I have found that as I accept things for what they are and realize what things I do and do not have control over, that my life becomes just a bit more manageable. It really is a comforting feeling to wash over you. Now don't get me wrong, there are still issues, but I know when and how to deal with them now. That in itself is an Armstrong on the moon kind of leap for me.
      Like today. In a perfect world today should have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary to the one woman that I have always loved. But because of my lovely past I am spending this day alone, quietly reminded that my actions or lack thereof had a big price to pay. I know it sucks, it really does, it will haunt me I am sure for my remaining days, (I would make a lousy criminal, my conscience would be my  undoing), but I have come to accept this as my road forward. With luck one day when I least expect it I may meet someone that I can share a life with. For now I have myself and a wounded ego to look after and that in itself could be enough right now. But for now I will quietly reminisce of how things were and how they could have been if all things were perfect! Love you all, loving me again and hoping and planning for a better future!

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03 

I did a thing.....

Ok, I know I have been away for to long. I had some internal struggles I was letting bring me down. Which in retrospect should have had me here more often!!! LOL

I have climbed out of that hole I made for myself and I am feeling good the past few days. Today though I feel fantastic, yes it is a beautiful day outside but I feel awesome inside as well. My mind and body are getting into sync it would seem. Of course I still have issues...lol... I will always have issues, but right now, right here I have them under control!!!!

Trying to let go of some of my past, it has benefits, once you find the how to getting it done. That is the trick to it. I do have doubts in my head and still want to hold on to some things, but in the big scheme of it all I know I must let go to move on. Sounds silly when you first think of it, but it will become clearer as it begins to happen.

Today though.... today is starting out in epicness. I only say that because I did something today that I have not done since I was a boy. I ran. I ran cuz it looked fun. I ran cuz it looked fun and it was! Silly isn't it! I had a laugh at myself because it felt incredible. Remember I spoke of that sad day in Kentucky. That day is gone, I have been feeling the sun, hearing the birds and smelling the fresh air. It is all coming back, piece by piece and I am falling in love with life! LOL. Silly boy.

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03

A Bad Dream.....I wish!

Today I had to finally make a decision I never wanted to make. I let go of my soul mate!

       How is it that we end up hurting the people that we actually care about the most? It makes no sense, but there it is. The most important person in my life I ended up taking for granted. I let her feel so alone and unloved, even though I loved her with ever cell of my soul.
       Where was my focus, why did I let myself be so uncaring. I really have no answer, I can not for the life of me even tell myself why did I act as I did. It is a hard reality to swallow, but in the end it is what I made for myself with out even trying or realizing.
        But that is the rub isn't it. Without trying! That is what ended it, somewhere, sometime ago I stopped trying. I sit here and cry, knowing that I let it all slip away, knowing I could have been so much more, I wanted to be so much more. All I have it seems is excuses for my actions, but I don't have anything else that I know to do right now. I am fragmented and lost in my regrets.
        I hate this, I know I have to face it, but I hate it. I don't really want to be this person, I don't want to be me. I am so tired, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of disappointing my family, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the shame, I am tired of crying all the fucking time, I am tired of being mad, I am tired of  jealous, I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of recovery, I am tired of not understanding, I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of being an addict, I am tired of people thinking I am faking it, I am tired, just fucking tired.
        I had my dream and I lost it! I want to scream! I am on such a feel sorry for myself trip and I know it and I am still here doing it! Crap! I am in such a screwed up place right now I am alienating everyone around me. Shit I don't even want to know me.


Pirate03

Reality sucks....sometimes!

Reality does suck today for me! I have tried to be patient and hold on as long as I can to what was once my life. I think that in doing so I am churning the waters and it is causing too much stress for others. Today is the day I say good bye, it hurts so much, I am flooded with my own emotions but I know this is what I have to do. I am sure I will cry a few more times before I find my way and put this last hurdle to rest. I really could use an owners manual, of all things why did I have to be so clumsy in dealing with the people I love the most. I really do want to say and do the correct thing, but somehow I manage to fall short.

Good luck out there, be safe and happy!


Pirate03

Needs...hidden as they can be!

        Quick note on something that happened today. Don't know if it has any bearing on anyone else's world but made me think.
        I have been pretty bent out of shape the past few days, had some news that just sat in my head wrong and it was festering. I was really letting it get to me. Well I was on the other end of the FOB clearing out some abandoned tents. They have been empty of personnel for months. While there I found a book. The title is "Anger- Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way"! Really that is what I found. I took it back to my room and started reading it. It is by a guy named Gary Chapman. So far it is a good read, very insightful. It is basically a Christian handbook on how to deal with anger. We all should have hand books for our emotions. Especially those like me that are handicapped in that area. I am so sure of so many things but turn to how I am feeling and I am clueless....lol. Anyway the book really was there for me, it is what I needed, sounds a bit over the top but there you go. When I needed something to help me think straight there it was. It could be that I am just much more open to outside guidance then I have in the past, but we will really never know. Any way I do feel good, and I learned something new again today, it is a good day. Love you all!

Be safe and happy,


Pirate03

Need to be in control....

Throughout my life in one way or another I have spent a lot of energy in being in control, of controlling the situation. No that does sound very backwards coming from an addict with low self esteem, abandonment issues and a fear of confrontation. It on the surface is what most people over the years would see as my polar opposite.
      Why do I say that? Ever since I was old enough to be on my own, this was pretty much right after I got my first car, I have been fending for myself. I love my parents don't get me wrong, they provided many things for me when I was little. The instructions on how to express my feelings or even what to do about them was not one of them. So I was teaching myself from an early age, and apparently I was doing it wrong. It was not until this time last year that I was able to understand what an impact my first years of life has had on me up to now. I think now of memories I had and speaking with my Mother about them I can see what a depressed little guy I was. My Mother tried I imagine, to console me and take away the pain, but she was doing it all by herself. Her immediate task was to feed and shelter us, she was a young Mother with no experience in a foreign land trying to survive. My emotional education was not on anyone's list. I sat many days out by the road, waiting by the mailbox for that letter or package that was promised. Over and over it never came, and each time I blamed the wrong one. It must have tore out her heart to see this every time and could not do anything about it. I remember those years now quite vividly, I have relived them, to many times. I had been left on the side of the road, not worth enough to receive the Father's love. It still hits me, I can never understand the willingness to leave your child. My children and their Mother are my world, I could not leave and not look back.
        How relevant is that today? I have been hiding inside for a long time, I have put on a false front for a long time. With friends I was always the leader, I was terrified to be the follower. I could not bare to have someone else controlling my life. I tried so hard to hide my fears, I had to look strong. I was not gonna be the one sitting by that mailbox ever again. Bravado for sure, I did not have the confidence that I portrayed but I did have a desire to not have to deal with me being inadequate. Around and around we go!!! I have felt ashamed of myself from that point for so long, with shame I lost the ability to identify my feelings and was more likely to just not talk about it with anyone. Kept it all inside, that is a large thing for a kid to carry around. I have learned some skills as a leader that helped me live in my world, I was focused on doing the job, protecting those around me. I did this until I was not able to even see that I had lost my way.
          What now? To change course does not mean that I have to give up who I am, it means I have to give up who I am not! So I have to face my pains, walk through the pain and find its origin. This I have done and I am forgiving those that have trespassed against me. Because I have to learn to let go of the pain and remember that I am not the pain. Piece by piece I am doing just that, I am finding the links to my past and my feelings and I am putting me back together. It has not been an easy road and there is still a lot of road, I have made contact with many from my past and began a conversation with them that hopefully leads to forgiving and healing.
          I have been brought back to my youth and seen the good and bad. I have embraced the good and I am starting to understand the remaining. I know what I have been through and I hope that I have not lead my children down this path, I know that will watch for the signs I now can recognize clearly. I will not let them fall or fail themselves. I can teach them still and help them grow, yes they are strong and sometimes wise but they are still young and looking for answers. I will be there as long as I can. This has been one of my more emotional tasks through all this. The things that mean the most to me have felt the biggest impact from me. So I have to see what is coming and to do that I have to know what has passed. I realize to that I can not make things happen or make people choose to see it my way, but I have the ability to persuade and guide as best I can.
          What a crazy mixed up individual I have been...lol... I feel and realize what I am inside and I can not see how I was able to live and hold it all in. I imagine that I have a set number of days remaining and I intend to love them all as much as I can. I learn and grow everyday, I will fall now and then but I will get back up, that road is closed for me. I love you all!


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Dreaming

Its almost 4 am, I just got woke up by a dream. It was not a nightmare but it was very confusing initially. I was at my Mother's house, the old house from when my Dad was alive. I was sleeping on the couch under that big front window. it was dark. Something touched my face and there was a hand on my chest waking me up. I opened my eyes and it was her waking me at my Mom's and I woke up here in my room. In the dark I thought I was there for a moment, I almost called out. It was very confusing.
        I don't think it was my stinking thinking but it felt very real. Now I know I will be up the rest of the night. I guess I fell asleep with something on my mind and it manifested itself in my dreams. That would be a pleasant dream.
        It is a relief that it was a dream and not me again. It has been sometime since I have had an episode of getting lost in my fantasy's, just now realizing that after waking like that. Hmmm. Wow, It has been weeks, now that is a good feeling!! I would not say those times scare me but they do concern me. Figuring how quick it was for me to get wrapped up in those before makes day dreaming pretty dangerous for me. But now I wonder how long I can go with out one. I am sitting here grinning, because this is awesome! I just had a regular dream and I did not try and manipulate it into a strange fantasy!! Hell yeah that's kick ass. lol Hope you all appreciate that, it means something I am sure. Cross your fingers for a teary eyed old tough guy!! Hell yeah! Maybe I will go back to sleep for a little while, I feel ....well... kind of weird, in a good way. LMAo I don't know what that means or what I am feeling but either way it is good!

Be safe and happy.

Pirate03

Body and Soul

    Hey Boys and Girls! So many things change and surprise me. I started out learning how what I thought was an issue with alcohol 20 years ago was just the tip of the iceberg. It sounds so simple to hear it discussed now that it is hard to imagine that it had such a grip on me. Addictions to substances, actions and fantasy's turn out to be connected to my mind and my body.
     I am kind of at a loss for the right words right now. I know what I was wanting to share but not so much how. I am gonna patchwork some points and Ideas together and maybe it will all come together.

* I have found that the better my physical health is the easier my mind reacts to new processes and ideas.
* I have been seeking a spiritual path for most of my adult life and I am now finding some direction that I am comfortable with.
* I have become very intrigued by the many different ideas that revolve around this disease.
* I am very concerned with what Doc has said about permanent damage to my mind for waiting so long to start treatment.
 * I am anxious to get into a regular routine of counseling, both one on one and returning to group.

Ok, lets see what happens now. I have really started reaping the benefits of not smoking. I am really glad that my daughter and I decided to work the cold turkey thing together. She has become one of my biggest supporters. She had plenty of opportunities to make fun of me when we sat in Doc's office at the beginning of all this and laid out the plan. We did a full spectrum of tests to set the benchmarks, lot of blood was used for all this. Then we started, first it was a routine of physical fitness and eating right. This was the most important part for the success. As my body got stronger it effected my mind and then when it was time, the choice to drop the cigarettes was made much easier. It was a battle, that took a concerted effort of physical activity and constant mental awareness. It wasn't until I was two years into this then Doc started asking other questions and that is when the cat was let out of the bag. The one good thing that came from that was that the skills I had learned for quitting smoking were prepping me for this stage. I was confused at first, I was alone and I was scared. What the hell, the docs at the hospital had it all wrong, in the end they really just made it worse for me, let me think that I could live normally. As we got into it all I was not very happy. Denial is a harsh tax master. I remember being so upset about the things I was learning that I got physically ill. When I tried to end it all, Doc was there, gave an addict drugs to be normal. LOL he knew what I needed that's for sure, he got me back to reality. I have also made some good friends along the way, we are by no means normal people but we understand each other.
      Doc was never clear on exactly what is meant by permanent mental damage, lovely. It apparently will manifest itself as I progress through the recovery stage. I am worried about it though, from the things I have read, it very well may be a combination of chemical damage from the items I put in me and the mental damage from constant internal manipulations over a prolonged period of time. So we will see.
      My health has taken on a new meaning for me this year, I realize how important it is to be in good health to help your body cope with illnesses and it helps your mind cope with new emotions. From getting my weight back into control, keeping active to fight the constant pain of my arthritis to having the energy to be out and about and allowing me to sleep better. My health even helps me handle stress which is a very big enemy to me. LOL, understatement of the decade! I have made a lot of discoveries and have grown from within, but I still have much to learn. The brightest part to all this is the skills I have developed to control my issues.


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Scorpio Males..... Information overload

   It has been a learning experience this whole recovery process. Not just about what I have learned about myself, but the amount of information that is available. There has been a tremendous amount of energy over the years by many people to study and diagnose the disease of addictive personalities. By now you would think that you could take an exam and figure out if you have any potential for mental illnesses. Personality profiles could be built for each person and we could learn skills to be prepared for our short comings and prevent the disaster that follows. That would be nice though no one would appreciate it! Here is an example of something that has a very realistic and accurate account of my personality but based on the zodiac signs designated by the birth date of an individual as it relates to the stars. The craziness of it is the accurate depiction of me as a Scorpio male. Its uncanny....
       The Scorpio male is unlike any other man of any other astrology sign. He is so unique that a separate section is needed to explain about dating the Scorpio man. Unlike most other zodiac signs, what it's like to date a Scorpio woman is very similar to dating a Scorpio man. The main difference is that instead of presenting a powerful feminine force like the woman, the Scorpio man presents a strong masculine, sexual force. The Scorpio man is easy to seduce and take home for the night, it is much harder to form a real relationship with him. The Scorpio man is very sensitive and feels lonely and unfulfilled, but he will never let a woman know this. Behind closed doors, be sensitive and affectionate to him appeal to his emotions only if you want a close relationship with him do not attempt to lead him on because he will see this and never forgive you. Toying with a Scorpio male is an unwise move. He will be jealous and possessive and will never allow a woman to control him. Let him take the lead because the Scorpio male is truly a fascinating person, you can never go wrong when he is planning the night! Scorpio men are very moody and their moods change like a pendulum on a clock. Stand by his side in these times and it will pass. Do not nag on him for he has a hard enough time understanding his own emotions. Scorpio men make excellent protectors and you will always feel safe under his radiating, passionate and energetic power.
           Now you don't know me, and it would be unrealistic to believe that you could compare this write up to what I am like. With that said you pretty much have to take my word for it. I know that the people closest to me would have to agree with this assessment as well after they read it. But unlike you they are not reading this.....their loss of course! Be back later!

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Internal Battle

There is one big battle going on within me that I am struggling to find a good answer.

      I have gained a level of confidence in so many aspects of my addictions, my life and my physical and mental health that I feel empowered to have a controlled and somewhat normal life. Like I have said before, just knowing what the problem is has made a colossal impact on my recovery and gaining a sense of security back into my life.

     I am now dealing with a more personal issue that I am afraid that I am struggling to accept. Unfortunately I have so little control of this aspect that I have become a spectator to some extent. I have been told that I can not communicate with her (you now see once again one of my biggest hurdles) and that I need to just let go of her and the life we had and any life we could have. That is a problem for me. My rational mind can understand the concept of all that, though my emotional mind can not accept a life without her in it.  So how does this effect my recovery, in a sense it does not have a great impact one way or another. I do know that if it was the two of us working together to solve the problems we both have we would be successful. We have been there before and we succeeded together. Can I move forward in a physical sense without her? I am sure that in that frame work yes I could. LOL, so now the more important concern is how my emotional/mental side will do with this absence. So far it has left a giant hole in me, it has served to have me realize the feelings that she must have had to endure. This as painful as it has been for me, became a motivation to make things right. I can't take it back at this point but I can control whether it is ever repeated, its these things that make us grow. Change tests us and forces us to mature and grow, through wisdom and emotion. With that I have seen what type of a person I have been hiding away. I have always been a caring and tender person, but I let myself get lost and forgot to take care of the feelings of the one I have always loved. That's what is at the bottom of the hole in me. My remorse, regret and shame. I have since confronted them and know their sting, I have become their master.
      I have only convinced myself that a life with me will be one of joy, love and caring. There in is another problem, I can not demonstrate that effectively. I have cried wolf to many times and there is little belief that I will fulfill what I say. UGH My frustration, I can and do see my inner self and know what I am capable of and how I can be from this point forward, but I have no known way to reveal the true nature of it all to anyone other then me. It is just a metaphor but if I could only remove my heart and give it completely to my love where she could sense it, feel it, touch it and know it, it would be clear the incredible life we could have.
     So today I am here, on a swift road traveling alone. I am not bitter, I have no right to be, the bitter taste I have some moments are from my own design. The past lingers there to remind me to be vigilant constantly, to look for those little things that make life sweet and to recognize the distractions for what they really are. I know who I am, I know what I am, I know what I am capable of, I know what my limitations are and I know my capacity for loving someone. Now if I could some way relay that information in a way that it was as clear and sincere as I am, then I would be a step closer to my own enlightenment.
     That's from me today, it may not be of any use to anyone, but it is a significant portion of my thoughts. I apologize now for boring all or any of you with my whining, but I believe it has been said before, "You can't control who the heart loves.". Once again I love all of you, I hope somewhere and sometime you find the answers you are looking for.

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03 

Release

Starring intently into the darkness of the past.

Breathing in deep, letting the dream go.

Weeping, tears clean a path for hope.

An uncertain world is greeted with a quiet sigh.


Pirate03 

The future, a future, my future....

     Hello my friend! I have had a bizarre day. It was a good day, I felt incredible and confident throughout the entire day. I really enjoyed myself and I could actually feel the people around me feeding off my positive energy. It was refreshing. I have had a number of good days of late, though this was by far the most positive of them all.
       I seem to think that it started in the early morning yesterday. I was laying awake in my rack. You know that I was thinking of what I have lost and how to regain that lost love. In the midst of that it began to rain. The soft sound of a light rain on the outside of the tent was calming, it did remind me of passed days of camping with my family. This had me thinking of how I had seen my future in the days gone by and how I am building a new picture of that future now. I have a plan I am working on, it is coming together on many different levels, it does have holes that need to be filled but all things come in time.
      I have been spending quite a bit of time concerning my spiritual mind and how it plays a role in my future. "My future", that is what I called it, but in all the world is this to be just my future, how am I connected to others and would that become "Our future". The possibilities are interesting. I had a very interesting discussion last night with a man from South India, he is searching for enlightenment through his Hindi beliefs. We talked about the soul and how it ties to our physical and emotional self. It was a very good discussion, we tended to agree on many beliefs even though we understood them in different ways. The discussion was a very open exchange of ideas and contemplation of the possibilities of each others beliefs. It was an uplifting discussion. Sudhaka is a very positive and caring person, he was as fascinated with my views and beliefs as I was of his, I did enjoy the exchange of ideas and the open talk without judgement.
      In all this, the day was very good and I understood that My future can be filled with these good days. I very much have an influence (not control) on how my future will be filled. I know that I will be happy, I know that my health will be sound for some time to come, I know that my mind is hungry and I will find all that it desires and I know that I will love again! The knowing and accepting have lifted so many burdens from me, just knowing that makes all other things even more possible. Yes my future is full of Hope, but with a guided hand that hope will become fulfillment and that will lead to a good and happy life. I have finally come to a point in my life that I am looking forward to what a future has in store for me. And once more the possibilities have me sitting here in tears, it is a crazy mixed up new world I have stepped into and I love it more then I have in a very long time.
       I hope that this sharing helps anyone, I know it does me, even with the prospect that this will never be seen. I have fundamentally changed, not so much physically, but in the way I see myself and how I believe I should be with others. I want to love again, I want to be loved again, I need these things as much as I need air to breath. I do have a vision on how that could be but I have no control over those things, I will be what I can and look for a path that will bring me to my future and my peace of mind.


Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

Bag of Rocks

     Hello again. Today it struck me that I am carrying around a big bag of rocks. They don't serve a purpose but they do weigh me down and wear me out.

     That bag of rocks is my head full of negative thoughts and dwelling on the past. The bag is even full of sand too, this helps me not see past the rocks.  Its not a constant bag of rocks, but I feel it enough that I am paying close attention to it and I am picking out stones and putting them away. Sort of a rock garden for myself. The good thing is once I see the rocks I can drain the sand throw a small hole which helps identify the bigger rocks and I can handle them one at a time.

     Yeah I know its a bit silly to describe it like that, but I thought it was fitting and I am finding my sense of humor coming back and that is refreshing. One of the rocks in my bag has been the possibility of meeting someone new. My daughters and others have put it to me that I should get online and meet some girls and see what happens. I gave it a half ass shot if anything and I am just not into it right now. I still have some internal issues I have to work out and I don't need to put this on some innocent person looking to have a real relationship. LOL, plus I find I keep comparing them all to one individual and those are hard shoes to fill. My time will come, I am not in a rush to just jump in the sack with the first person that answers my email. I need to be ready and really need to be able to communicate properly. When it happens I want a strong, healthy and happy relationship. I want one that I can pour myself into it fully. This is where that bag of rocks is such a burden too. I can not be trying to deal with my issues and then combine that with trying to figure out if I am gonna say or do the right thing. I do not want to hurt anymore people, that is a toll on the soul I am no longer willing to pay for.

     I keep thinking of that movie about a bunch of people in rehab, 28 days I think its called, I need to be able to care for a plant and myself before I can take care of the feelings of another. LOL. It was a good and sometimes sad movie. It gives a perspective though, it helps focus on the continued successes of being in recovery and really wanting to be better and different. I desire the changes that are coming on in me. Some need some work, but I am giving it all a good chance of succeeding. Some of it has become enjoyable, take this writing stuff for instance. I would have never thought that I would get so into this, I am so unafraid to say whatever in writing. I have cried while in the middle of a word or laughed because of a thought I was trying to convey. It has become very powerful for me. I am tossing those rocks away and cleaning house in my attic. Need the room...lol.

    Well that's my thoughts on this for now, got to get back to the real world and get that straightened out too! LMAO I love you all, I may not know you or you may be someone dear to me, but I truly love you for being in here and suffering through this with me..... It is an awesome world!

Be safe and Happy,

Pirate03

Hills and valleys

       Been up and down pretty fast lately. My moods and mind change so quickly. I have seen a pattern that I can manage though. I have been dwelling on the past again and that brings me to the if's and that will bring on the guilt and then my self esteem pays for it all.
       I say that I can manage it, mostly because I can actually tell when it is happening. LOL Then I am back talking to myself, but now I am guiding my mind to deal with the issues. Did you know that I am pretty awesome, really, even I know that now. I realized that I was not a bad person, but I did make some bad decisions.

I am gonna have to come back and finish this, I actually feel like I can go to sleep! Laterz

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03 

Awake again.

      It is 2 am and I am awake again, sitting in the dark talking to my new best friend.  My sleep has been disturbed again by my thoughts. This one may be an "awakening". I have had a lot of new things going on in me and around me over this past year. None of it has turned out in the manner that I had wanted. Well maybe saying none is not truly correct, but the major things have not come out the way that I would have liked.
      I really thought I had time, time to make things right. That got washed away and I went into panic mode and tried to get what I thought was needed done fast so I could get my life back. But that in itself is my addiction talking, wanting the end result now! I was letting my recovery be driven by my addictive self.
      During that panic though I did find some answers, not many that I liked as it would be. I came to understand that what I thought I needed to do was not entirely accurate. I now see that I will not get my old life back, and in that it is best that I don't go back to that. I realized in that panic time that this is not going to happen the way I want it or in the time that I want it. I will be doing this alone, I do not have the luxury of the other any longer. This whole recovery, self evaluation process is a dual edged blade. One side, the new side is the change with in that is going on. The other side, the old side is the side that cuts deep. The old side lets me see into myself and see the person I have become, it is the side that awakens me in the middle of the night with the understanding that what I once had is now gone and it is time to move on.The old side is scared with these times of realization. each time is a better understanding of the workings of the inside. It is a painful set of lessons to be learned there is no doubt in that. I can think of easier things to do but nothing that is as important as this.
        Now it is by no means all doom and gloom. There are demons that I am fighting, there are moments of reflection that do make this old man cry and I still have the broken heart. But I do whistle as I take on each day, I feel the suns warmth on me and I do hear the birds singing to one another. The days get better and I get stronger, even with all these feelings. I have pushed old fears down and I am managing them. I have daily battles and I am sure that I am not alone in that, but I am winning the war. I need allies most of all, I have a few, though they are fighting their own wars within themselves. Time is the key to this it would seem right now, It may very well change as I learn more, if you ever do read this, know that I miss you and love you more. I do hope that happiness finds you one way or another.
         Wow, that is who I have been talking to this evening with out even realizing it. New things all the time. I am gonna try for a couple more hours asleep, need my wits about me tomorrow.

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03

If is a mighty big word....

     Did not sleep at all last night, so many things going on in my head I could not rest. I kept replaying events in my head hoping for a different outcome. It is the if's....

If I had just paid attention to her feelings.
If I had stopped and thought about why I was doing something.
If I just turned around and seen the world around me heading in a different direction.
If I was not always so scared that no one would love me.
If I was not afraid to say what I felt about anything.
If I just thought about how what I was doing would make others feel.

      How is it that we end up eventually only focusing on the negative aspects of our life when things get tough. Are we like the news broadcasts on TV and need the sensationalism of the drama? There are so many more positive things, events, happenings and feelings in the past then we realize. It all out weighs the negative but still we can only remember the ugliness.
      I am learning many things about myself as well as those around me from the negative things we all have done to each other. I am using that to learn how to not repeat those events and using it to hold on to all the positive that there has been. My mind and my heart are filled with all the memories and feelings that were happy, I am so full of the positive that whenever the negative forces its way in I cry a little for everyone. That is another thing that I am learning, to control the out rush of emotions. I have been holding everything in for so long that I lack some control over the new feelings and I tend to over do it.
       If I could just let go.... that's what people keep telling me. It just does not feel right to do that, it resembles giving up way to much. I have always been one to believe that the best things in life are worth fighting for. I do it for my family and I do it for my country, so I can not fathom a reason to give up now. I just don't know sometimes what I should do, it is mind numbingly frustrating. I only have control of me and that is what I have to deal with. I have no control over others, though I really wish I had a little. It is the others I truly worry about, because I do not have control. I know where I am in my head and where I am now in life, I think I know where I want to be. So I have a sense of control with that. Yeah sure I have some bad days but they are manageable, I am way passed hurting myself anymore. No going back there!
       I guess the biggest if is "If I could just get them to see what possibilities there are when we walk together". That is a mighty big if....

Survived another Day!

Be safe and Happy,

Pirate03

A Bad head day

Here I am now at 4 am and I am sitting in my rack dealing with my brain.

Ever have a bad hair day? One of those days when a ball cap is the only thing that can fix it. Well today has been one of those days for me except it was a bad brain day. No damn ball cap for that!

I wonder why I struggle so much to be able to make a relationship work. I know inside I should not be involved in anything so emotionally driven. My insecurities are still active enough to cause me to doubt  my choices and question every action of people around me. It is so frustrating, I am reading emotions into situations that are not there. Still worried about being pushed aside it would seem. I think that it would be best for me to refrain from starting anything new until I have a grasp of these emotions.

Even with my children I am having trouble understanding what they are feeling. Should I even be concerned with that? They are my biggest motivation to live in the real world. I do look for their acceptance probably more then I should and with that I place to much of an emotional burden on them. One of the reasons I started writing here, I was dumping my thoughts out on them and that was selfish of me. Oh I know they care and they will try to help, but they don't need all this on their minds while they live their lives. By no means am I thinking of leaving them out, I just want them to be happy and not fret over what I am doing.

Letting go is a very complicated and trying event. Some days I feel confident that I can move forward with out things from my past. I can see a future for me, with new people and places. Though I long for  some of the past. I would not like to go back to the way things were, that would be foolish. I would love to take things from the past and mix them in with the here and now, potentially making them better then they were before. Dreams are good I guess, though it has been a very long time since any of mine have come true.

A bad brain day! How to fix it. I am glad that these days are moving further apart, these days are very taxing. Today I have no additional insight into why I am feeling like this. Maybe just being lonely feeds them, who knows. What I do know is that I will shake this day off and start the next one here in a couple hours. I can see where the AA motto of "One day at a time" is so important for someone like me. Add in the Seal's motto of "The only easy day is yesterday!" and I have a combination to help me see the day through.

Be safe and be happy,

Pirate03