Reboot Weekend

       It is kind of sad and funny how things catch up with me. Balance is paramount to my recovery, and sometimes I feel more like I am on a roller coaster chasing the balance I seek. I am either completely wrapped up in work and forgetting to live or I am focused just on entertainment. It ends up being one extreme to the next and that instability brings me back to depression. I have pretty much been having a pity party for myself all week. It's depressing to see myself doing this and knowing I control it.
      Well I am using this weekend to calm the waters and get some balance as well as a decent perspective. I am hopping a train today and spending the next two and half days sight seeing, reading and reflecting. I need my focus back, right now I feel like I am sinking and I can see the shore but I am not kicking in the right direction.
      It is lonely in here and I really do want a good relationship one day, but I still don't think I would be a good partner as I am. I do have a couple good friends that I can talk to but no one to really open up to. I do have an appointment to meet a new shrink, lol, he/she can be my new friend or confidant.

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

2013 My Year?

       My year has started without any drama. Which is in itself is a pleasant event. It is not without challenges though.
       Money these days is a constant issue in my life, but not an end all type of concern. I am starting out with a bit of a struggle financially but I am sure that with focus I will be fine. LOL, "FOCUS" I believe that is one of my more pressing concerns. I am making some strides in grounding myself and staying on task as it would be, so I believe that I will eventually prevail in this. I just need to survive the pending calls of people wanting their money now!
       My biggest concern is me and my relationships. I know that I do want one with someone special but not so sure if I am in a position to be a good partner right now. I feel that I have gotten used to being alone over the years and doing my own thing that I am not comfortable with changing anything. I am afraid to commit to any one person. I know that I need to effect change in my life and except it as growth, but I am not always willing. Its all new and confusing, there is a sense of safety in the things that are familiar to me, which draws me in to not allowing the change. Kind of a vicious circle!
       I am in search of a new shrink to discuss this with. Talking to someone that is outside of my world can be very helpful. For me it is important to find one that I am comfortable with, not one that I expect to tell me everything is okay and wonderful, but one that will shoot straight with me and no belittle me for being such a mess. I have a very good friend that is really finding herself after she started opening up with her Doc. It has made a big difference in her, she was reluctant and scared at first. I was very glad that she connected well with her confidant as I see them. Now if I can just find another one for me that I can open up too!
       With those at AA I feel that the motto of "One Day at a Time" is a good foundation for getting on your feet again. I do feel that I now need a more forward looking attitude and plan. I have a half baked business plan that I can focus my personal life on. The hardest part is the beginning, I have always said that I really believe it. So I guess my first step into the future is this one!


Be safe and Happy!

Pirate03