I have learned to live anew!

It is all out there, waiting to be found!

I have come to let myself see the world as it is. No fear is real, it is all within us. We make the demons that control us. It turns out to be that simple. For me it was a shock to my mind. It was me, all this time I was my own nemesis.

    I do miss my past in a sense that it was something that I was familiar with and it felt safe for that very reason. My past was me, in that all things it me lead to what I am today. But the past is gone, it is something we can never recover, it cannot be altered or manipulated for our satisfaction! It is a reminder of good and bad choices that we have made over the years.

   My future intrigues me now! What is out there, what adventures await! I am sure I will screw a few things up, that is a given. Fortunately I think that I can recover and grow from each of these moments. I have learned to laugh at myself and the things that fall in my lap. It is not really that important to get it right every time. The mistakes we make build us faster then our success as it turns out. Go figure!

   I am confident in what I can do and how I will accomplish the tasks I set for myself and those that others set for me. I will overcome them because I believe in me and those around me. We are never really alone, even those times where it appears that we truly are. They are there, they care, they are watching. they are praying, they are cheering for us all. We just did not see it clearly.

   I am watching, I am listening! If you need, call upon me. I will do all that I can to guide you and help you see clearly!

Be safe and happy!

Reboot Weekend

       It is kind of sad and funny how things catch up with me. Balance is paramount to my recovery, and sometimes I feel more like I am on a roller coaster chasing the balance I seek. I am either completely wrapped up in work and forgetting to live or I am focused just on entertainment. It ends up being one extreme to the next and that instability brings me back to depression. I have pretty much been having a pity party for myself all week. It's depressing to see myself doing this and knowing I control it.
      Well I am using this weekend to calm the waters and get some balance as well as a decent perspective. I am hopping a train today and spending the next two and half days sight seeing, reading and reflecting. I need my focus back, right now I feel like I am sinking and I can see the shore but I am not kicking in the right direction.
      It is lonely in here and I really do want a good relationship one day, but I still don't think I would be a good partner as I am. I do have a couple good friends that I can talk to but no one to really open up to. I do have an appointment to meet a new shrink, lol, he/she can be my new friend or confidant.

Be safe and happy,

Pirate03

2013 My Year?

       My year has started without any drama. Which is in itself is a pleasant event. It is not without challenges though.
       Money these days is a constant issue in my life, but not an end all type of concern. I am starting out with a bit of a struggle financially but I am sure that with focus I will be fine. LOL, "FOCUS" I believe that is one of my more pressing concerns. I am making some strides in grounding myself and staying on task as it would be, so I believe that I will eventually prevail in this. I just need to survive the pending calls of people wanting their money now!
       My biggest concern is me and my relationships. I know that I do want one with someone special but not so sure if I am in a position to be a good partner right now. I feel that I have gotten used to being alone over the years and doing my own thing that I am not comfortable with changing anything. I am afraid to commit to any one person. I know that I need to effect change in my life and except it as growth, but I am not always willing. Its all new and confusing, there is a sense of safety in the things that are familiar to me, which draws me in to not allowing the change. Kind of a vicious circle!
       I am in search of a new shrink to discuss this with. Talking to someone that is outside of my world can be very helpful. For me it is important to find one that I am comfortable with, not one that I expect to tell me everything is okay and wonderful, but one that will shoot straight with me and no belittle me for being such a mess. I have a very good friend that is really finding herself after she started opening up with her Doc. It has made a big difference in her, she was reluctant and scared at first. I was very glad that she connected well with her confidant as I see them. Now if I can just find another one for me that I can open up too!
       With those at AA I feel that the motto of "One Day at a Time" is a good foundation for getting on your feet again. I do feel that I now need a more forward looking attitude and plan. I have a half baked business plan that I can focus my personal life on. The hardest part is the beginning, I have always said that I really believe it. So I guess my first step into the future is this one!


Be safe and Happy!

Pirate03

The Ninth of Forever!

      Hello All! I have been neglecting my writing, I do remember reading the blog of another addict and one of the things she talked about is that at sometime as she was having less and less drama in her life the less she was writing. I started wondering if that was the case for me.
      As it turns out, it pretty much is. I have found that as I accept things for what they are and realize what things I do and do not have control over, that my life becomes just a bit more manageable. It really is a comforting feeling to wash over you. Now don't get me wrong, there are still issues, but I know when and how to deal with them now. That in itself is an Armstrong on the moon kind of leap for me.
      Like today. In a perfect world today should have been my 27th Wedding Anniversary to the one woman that I have always loved. But because of my lovely past I am spending this day alone, quietly reminded that my actions or lack thereof had a big price to pay. I know it sucks, it really does, it will haunt me I am sure for my remaining days, (I would make a lousy criminal, my conscience would be my  undoing), but I have come to accept this as my road forward. With luck one day when I least expect it I may meet someone that I can share a life with. For now I have myself and a wounded ego to look after and that in itself could be enough right now. But for now I will quietly reminisce of how things were and how they could have been if all things were perfect! Love you all, loving me again and hoping and planning for a better future!

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03 

I did a thing.....

Ok, I know I have been away for to long. I had some internal struggles I was letting bring me down. Which in retrospect should have had me here more often!!! LOL

I have climbed out of that hole I made for myself and I am feeling good the past few days. Today though I feel fantastic, yes it is a beautiful day outside but I feel awesome inside as well. My mind and body are getting into sync it would seem. Of course I still have issues...lol... I will always have issues, but right now, right here I have them under control!!!!

Trying to let go of some of my past, it has benefits, once you find the how to getting it done. That is the trick to it. I do have doubts in my head and still want to hold on to some things, but in the big scheme of it all I know I must let go to move on. Sounds silly when you first think of it, but it will become clearer as it begins to happen.

Today though.... today is starting out in epicness. I only say that because I did something today that I have not done since I was a boy. I ran. I ran cuz it looked fun. I ran cuz it looked fun and it was! Silly isn't it! I had a laugh at myself because it felt incredible. Remember I spoke of that sad day in Kentucky. That day is gone, I have been feeling the sun, hearing the birds and smelling the fresh air. It is all coming back, piece by piece and I am falling in love with life! LOL. Silly boy.

Be safe and Happy,


Pirate03

A Bad Dream.....I wish!

Today I had to finally make a decision I never wanted to make. I let go of my soul mate!

       How is it that we end up hurting the people that we actually care about the most? It makes no sense, but there it is. The most important person in my life I ended up taking for granted. I let her feel so alone and unloved, even though I loved her with ever cell of my soul.
       Where was my focus, why did I let myself be so uncaring. I really have no answer, I can not for the life of me even tell myself why did I act as I did. It is a hard reality to swallow, but in the end it is what I made for myself with out even trying or realizing.
        But that is the rub isn't it. Without trying! That is what ended it, somewhere, sometime ago I stopped trying. I sit here and cry, knowing that I let it all slip away, knowing I could have been so much more, I wanted to be so much more. All I have it seems is excuses for my actions, but I don't have anything else that I know to do right now. I am fragmented and lost in my regrets.
        I hate this, I know I have to face it, but I hate it. I don't really want to be this person, I don't want to be me. I am so tired, I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being afraid, I am tired of disappointing my family, I am tired of the pain, I am tired of the guilt, I am tired of the shame, I am tired of crying all the fucking time, I am tired of being mad, I am tired of  jealous, I am tired of being depressed, I am tired of recovery, I am tired of not understanding, I am tired of not being understood, I am tired of being an addict, I am tired of people thinking I am faking it, I am tired, just fucking tired.
        I had my dream and I lost it! I want to scream! I am on such a feel sorry for myself trip and I know it and I am still here doing it! Crap! I am in such a screwed up place right now I am alienating everyone around me. Shit I don't even want to know me.


Pirate03

Reality sucks....sometimes!

Reality does suck today for me! I have tried to be patient and hold on as long as I can to what was once my life. I think that in doing so I am churning the waters and it is causing too much stress for others. Today is the day I say good bye, it hurts so much, I am flooded with my own emotions but I know this is what I have to do. I am sure I will cry a few more times before I find my way and put this last hurdle to rest. I really could use an owners manual, of all things why did I have to be so clumsy in dealing with the people I love the most. I really do want to say and do the correct thing, but somehow I manage to fall short.

Good luck out there, be safe and happy!


Pirate03